Can a true "bisexual" relationship work?

[roamer]

No

 

[377500492]

good too learn a lot from discussion here.

 

[luckyfennec]

If a person is in love with you, the potential risk that they fall for another gay man is there - always. That's life for a gay man. Just because they could also fall for a woman or a man, doesn't change that they will either love you or not. I think it can work, and I do have friends in happy bi-relationships.

 

[WBAB]

I'm in a relationship with someone who identifies as bi-sexual. It is a first for the both of us meaning , I'm the first man he has considered having a relationship with, and he is the first bi-sexual man I've considered dating. I think about his attraction to women all the time because I know I can not compete with other women. Hell, I can't compete with a lot of men either, but He fascinates me. His excitement about all things gay is refreshing; he is not jaded yet. He reminds me that kisses matter and when he holds my hand, I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm giving him a chance because he's not afraid to explore this kind of love ,so why should I be afraid..

 

[Shelter]

I'm in a relationship with someone who identifies as bi-sexual. It is a first for the both of us meaning , I'm the first man he has considered having a relationship with, and he is the first bi-sexual man I've considered dating. I think about his attraction to women all the time because I know I can not compete with other women. Hell, I can't compete with a lot of men either, but He fascinates me. His excitement about all things gay is refreshing; he is not jaded yet. He reminds me that kisses matter and when he holds my hand, I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm giving him a chance because he's not afraid to explore this kind of love ,so why should I be afraid..

It sounds good and I want to wish you all the luck of the world - but don't be too disappointed if it fails. p:big hug:

 

[jaxfladude]

yes.

 

[topdog]

I'm in a relationship with someone who identifies as bi-sexual. It is a first for the both of us meaning , I'm the first man he has considered having a relationship with, and he is the first bi-sexual man I've considered dating. I think about his attraction to women all the time because I know I can not compete with other women. Hell, I can't compete with a lot of men either, but He fascinates me...

Don't be nervous. You are in the same boat as everyone else. We all start a new relationship with the promise of everything it could become, and at the same time the worry about all the ways it could go wrong. That's just the nature of relationships. Your partner is going to be attracted to other people. You are going to be attracted to other people. The gender of the other attractive person really doesn't make much difference.

Like everyone else you will have to sort through boundaries around monogamy and the question of other sexual partners. Like everyone else in order to survive, you will both have to learn how to talk honestly about what you want and what you are feeling and not try to stuff feelings down to become what you think your partner wants.

If you both love each other and do the normal things couples have to do to keep their relationship vital and healthy, then you will go on for a long time. If you screw up in the normal ways (stop communicating, sneak around and have sex on the sly, throw away your own needs to placate your partner, for example) then you will hit the rocks. Or if the relationship really isn't what one of you wants for the long term.

But that is all the usual stuff. You are no worse or better off than any other young lovers. So go for it! Feel the love and do the good relationship work. If your heart breaks (or you end up breaking his heart) - well it happens. But you will each have given each other love, support, and wisdom along the way.

Take a look at the interview I posted with the theater couple Andy Mientus and Michael Arden. Michael is gay, Andy is bi and they fell in love after several years of friendship. Making the transition was awkward - but they did it and got married last August.

Wishing you many blessings! - TC

 

[Shelter]

Great, wonderful and wise post Topdog! It really has an pilosophical touch. It was for me an extraordinary experience to read it. Thank you for this remarkable text.

 

[trypt]

Yeah I think its more feasible at this time than a purely homosexual relationship.

 

[duke10inchjh]

yES! I am in one where I lean more to one sex than the other but I love both sexes

 

[swetty4ng3l]

I do still believe in Bisexual relationship, BUT Im monogamist. So better choose one gender partner at a time

 

[dragonscub]

:cheers:

Having just come across this long-running thread, I thought it might be interesting to summarize a sampling of good points made so far:

I've seen an usual amount of ads of men claiming to be married, in a relationship (with a female) and wanting some play on the side. Most of them, I don't believe. I think it's a ploy to get people attracted to your ad. There still is that odd amount of gay men that love to "turn" a straight male.

Yes and no. It depends where you live, and the age/race of the person running that "bi" profile. Where I live in NYC, it runs about 50/50. Younger guys looking to attract older/younger men with a "closet fetish" will often fake out being bi in their profile, because its irresistible bait to those who want it. Then you have the whole sub-genre of non-white gays, some of whom play the "bi" card because it panders to the all-too-typical white-boy fantasy of being ravaged by a "str8 thug". Minority gays' resentment at being expected to play that role in order to get laid (by whites or other minorities) could form a whole other thread topic.

Yet another large sub-group attracted to "bi" profiles are the middle-aged guys who can't seem to quite get their gay shit together. Despite having had a lover or two in the past, they still find themselves single today. Their single status is often due to internalized homophobia and age-ism: they could easily find any number of out gay playmates, but they're subconsciously afraid of truly out gays (and absolutely terrified of anyone calling them "Daddy"). So they relentlessly hit Grind'r in search of "bi" tricks. Or even better: the "reluctant str8 married dude looking for discreet experimentation" (gag me).

Straight women often find male bisexuality to be "yucky"

Yep, and its probably the number one reason a lot of bi men can't live fully honest poly lives. Deep down, even the most progressive tolerant woman is not going to greet the news that the cock about to enter her lady parts might recently have been up some guys ass. It isn't so much prejudice as biological fastidiousness: women have a lot more going on down there to worry about than we do.

Despite this, bisexuality in their male partners had reached a remarkable level of acceptance among educated women by the late 1970s (in North America, it was almost trendy). Of course, this was utterly derailed by AIDS in the 1980s, the long cultural shadow of which we're only now beginning to shake off.

The reason I asked the ? is bc a close friend's husband came out as bisexual and he caught some sort of STD (not HIV/AIDS, I think syphilis). I'm not one of those people that believe bisexuality is a myth. I was just wondering can a truly bisexual male/straight female (or vice versa) have a committed monogamous relationship? Are you still tempted or do you get it outta your system before the relationship gets serious.

When it comes to how people actually conduct their lives, the number of men who innately identify themselves as "bi" without reservation, who truly accept it in themselves and are upfront with potential partners, is still rather small. I've met a few, and nearly all were either in or had previously been in a monogamous long-term relationship with one gender or the other. They loved their partners, and did not struggle unduly with being faithful. In all but one case, the end of the relationship had nothing to do with them being bi.

But a much larger number still seem to fall into the scenario of your friend's husband: guys too chickenshit to admit they like cock, so they swindle some poor woman into marriage, knock her up promptly with a kid or two to "prove themselves", then proceed to take on more cocks per week than an escort in Las Vegas. After wasting years of the woman's youth, the jerk finally gets outed when he gives her an STD. Nice.

I don't consider that behavior to be legitimately bisexual: its purely selfish. If you want tons-o-cock, accept that you're mostly gay in orientation: don't drag a naive wife and unplanned kids into it as a cover story. If you feel a strong urge that you must regularly have encounters with both men and women, make the effort to find enthusiastic, agreeable partners. You might have some dry spells, but living honestly and joyfully with like-minded souls is worth it.

If you like dick, then it can't work. You're either straight or gay, in my opinion. I dated a "straight" married guy who wanted to bottom 5 or 6 days every week. How is that straight?

See above. This sort of BS is not legit bisexuality, its a chickenshit cock whore who can't admit what he is. I've run into so many of this type I lost count years ago, and my friends on Grind'r tell me there's no end to the supply. They can tell you stories of "str8" married tricks who put genuine gay power bottoms to shame. Dealing with these guys can be off-putting: it may be hot at first, but then you start thinking of what a shit he's being to the wife, and moral doubts can kill the desire. Many of them have serious alcohol problems, they can get weirdly obsessive, and the curve balls they throw with surprise gender fetishes, wanting to play "wife"... yikes.

Of course, some of my more pragmatic friends take the view that these guys are going to get dick somewhere, so it may as well be from them. They feel no particular discomfort about the wife "ick" factor: if anything, since they themselves are clean and careful, they figure they're doing the wife a favor by keeping their jerk husband off the street. No gay in his right mind would take one of these characters on as any sort of boyfriend or potential partner, but I suppose they help pass the time while waiting for more suitable prospects.

For me as a gay man, if its based on just sex...Yes. If its based on love, feelings, sex and emotions, commitment ...Hell no!

I could not be "in love" with a man who has an emotional attachment to someone else.

Agree. Occasional playmate, maybe, but person to get emotionally attached to? Hell, no: thats a recipe for torture and regret. One of my co-workers had a three year gig with male and female lovers that he split his time between- they all knew about each other, even had a few group dinners. But it only really "worked" because both men were bi, neither was in a monogamous phase, and the woman was also not in a nesting, monogamous phase (she was an artist who didn't want any jealousy distractions, and felt being in a bi triangle was ideal for her).

Those str8s with an open mind, not prone to irrational jealousy and possessiveness, can certainly be happy in a committed monogamous relationship or marriage with an honest bisexual. At some point, the two might even agree to open the relationship a bit, and that can work as well. But a bisexual with upfront polygamous urges will likely have a harder time finding a long-term partner secure enough to accept the occasional other-gender tryst. If they do find that rare person, the union tends to be rock solid.

I've always identified as 100% gay, but in my early 20s I did have an unexpected interlude with a woman (a pretty, androgynous lesbian). We were both at an unhappy point in our lives: I could not seem to find a worthwhile guy to date, and she had just gotten away from an abusive girlfriend. We saw each other every night in the restaurant where she was a waitress: I tended to drop in near closing time, and we struck up a friendship. Soon, we would hang out at a back table almost every night when her shift ended. She was generous with free drinks from the bar, and one night we ended up back at her apt after the restaurant closed. With neither of us quite knowing what we were doing, we had sex.

The next day, we were both awkward, fearing we had wrecked a great friendship. But something drew us back together, and we kept the physical relationship going for a couple months. Neither of us had ever been with the opposite sex, so maybe there was a curiosity factor, but it was more than that. I think we provided some emotional healing for each other, somehow, that in this one specific instance transcended our orientation.

Ironically, the restaurant she worked in was owned by a creep I had made the mistake of tricking with a few times (before she ever worked there). He was a terrible businessman, and ran the place into the ground (a shame, because the food was great and the neighborhood needed it). When the place closed, she decided it might be a good time to leave NYC and go back home to Chicago to finish her degree at uni. We parted fondly, then totally lost touch with each other- perhaps instinctively knowing that was best to avoid any lingering confusion. We were good for each other for a moment, but in the larger scheme of life were meant to have greater connection with a same-sex partner.

Don't know why I'm telling that story here: I've never discussed it with anyone "in real life". But it just popped into my head wanting to come out, maybe because this seems as good a thread as any for an example that sexuality isn't always as locked-in as we might think. Life surprises us sometimes.

 

[Shelter]

:cheers:

Having just come across this long-running thread, I thought it might be interesting to summarize a sampling of good points made so far:



Yes and no. It depends where you live, and the age/race of the person running that "bi" profile. Where I live in NYC, it runs about 50/50. Younger guys looking to attract older/younger men with a "closet fetish" will often fake out being bi in their profile, because its irresistible bait to those who want it. Then you have the whole sub-genre of non-white gays, some of whom play the "bi" card because it panders to the all-too-typical white-boy fantasy of being ravaged by a "str8 thug". Minority gays' resentment at being expected to play that role in order to get laid (by whites or other minorities) could form a whole other thread topic.

Yet another large sub-group attracted to "bi" profiles are the middle-aged guys who can't seem to quite get their gay shit together. Despite having had a lover or two in the past, they still find themselves single today. Their single status is often due to internalized homophobia and age-ism: they could easily find any number of out gay playmates, but they're subconsciously afraid of truly out gays (and absolutely terrified of anyone calling them "Daddy"). So they relentlessly hit Grind'r in search of "bi" tricks. Or even better: the "reluctant str8 married dude looking for discreet experimentation" (gag me).



Yep, and its probably the number one reason a lot of bi men can't live fully honest poly lives. Deep down, even the most progressive tolerant woman is not going to greet the news that the cock about to enter her lady parts might recently have been up some guys ass. It isn't so much prejudice as biological fastidiousness: women have a lot more going on down there to worry about than we do.

Despite this, bisexuality in their male partners had reached a remarkable level of acceptance among educated women by the late 1970s (in North America, it was almost trendy). Of course, this was utterly derailed by AIDS in the 1980s, the long cultural shadow of which we're only now beginning to shake off.



When it comes to how people actually conduct their lives, the number of men who innately identify themselves as "bi" without reservation, who truly accept it in themselves and are upfront with potential partners, is still rather small. I've met a few, and nearly all were either in or had previously been in a monogamous long-term relationship with one gender or the other. They loved their partners, and did not struggle unduly with being faithful. In all but one case, the end of the relationship had nothing to do with them being bi.

But a much larger number still seem to fall into the scenario of your friend's husband: guys too chickenshit to admit they like cock, so they swindle some poor woman into marriage, knock her up promptly with a kid or two to "prove themselves", then proceed to take on more cocks per week than an escort in Las Vegas. After wasting years of the woman's youth, the jerk finally gets outed when he gives her an STD. Nice.

I don't consider that behavior to be legitimately bisexual: its purely selfish. If you want tons-o-cock, accept that you're mostly gay in orientation: don't drag a naive wife and unplanned kids into it as a cover story. If you feel a strong urge that you must regularly have encounters with both men and women, make the effort to find enthusiastic, agreeable partners. You might have some dry spells, but living honestly and joyfully with like-minded souls is worth it.



See above. This sort of BS is not legit bisexuality, its a chickenshit cock whore who can't admit what he is. I've run into so many of this type I lost count years ago, and my friends on Grind'r tell me there's no end to the supply. They can tell you stories of "str8" married tricks who put genuine gay power bottoms to shame. Dealing with these guys can be off-putting: it may be hot at first, but then you start thinking of what a shit he's being to the wife, and moral doubts can kill the desire. Many of them have serious alcohol problems, they can get weirdly obsessive, and the curve balls they throw with surprise gender fetishes, wanting to play "wife"... yikes.

Of course, some of my more pragmatic friends take the view that these guys are going to get dick somewhere, so it may as well be from them. They feel no particular discomfort about the wife "ick" factor: if anything, since they themselves are clean and careful, they figure they're doing the wife a favor by keeping their jerk husband off the street. No gay in his right mind would take one of these characters on as any sort of boyfriend or potential partner, but I suppose they help pass the time while waiting for more suitable prospects.



Agree. Occasional playmate, maybe, but person to get emotionally attached to? Hell, no: thats a recipe for torture and regret. One of my co-workers had a three year gig with male and female lovers that he split his time between- they all knew about each other, even had a few group dinners. But it only really "worked" because both men were bi, neither was in a monogamous phase, and the woman was also not in a nesting, monogamous phase (she was an artist who didn't want any jealousy distractions, and felt being in a bi triangle was ideal for her).

Those str8s with an open mind, not prone to irrational jealousy and possessiveness, can certainly be happy in a committed monogamous relationship or marriage with an honest bisexual. At some point, the two might even agree to open the relationship a bit, and that can work as well. But a bisexual with upfront polygamous urges will likely have a harder time finding a long-term partner secure enough to accept the occasional other-gender tryst. If they do find that rare person, the union tends to be rock solid.

I've always identified as 100% gay, but in my early 20s I did have an unexpected interlude with a woman (a pretty, androgynous lesbian). We were both at an unhappy point in our lives: I could not seem to find a worthwhile guy to date, and she had just gotten away from an abusive girlfriend. We saw each other every night in the restaurant where she was a waitress: I tended to drop in near closing time, and we struck up a friendship. Soon, we would hang out at a back table almost every night when her shift ended. She was generous with free drinks from the bar, and one night we ended up back at her apt after the restaurant closed. With neither of us quite knowing what we were doing, we had sex.

The next day, we were both awkward, fearing we had wrecked a great friendship. But something drew us back together, and we kept the physical relationship going for a couple months. Neither of us had ever been with the opposite sex, so maybe there was a curiosity factor, but it was more than that. I think we provided some emotional healing for each other, somehow, that in this one specific instance transcended our orientation.

Ironically, the restaurant she worked in was owned by a creep I had made the mistake of tricking with a few times (before she ever worked there). He was a terrible businessman, and ran the place into the ground (a shame, because the food was great and the neighborhood needed it). When the place closed, she decided it might be a good time to leave NYC and go back home to Chicago to finish her degree at uni. We parted fondly, then totally lost touch with each other- perhaps instinctively knowing that was best to avoid any lingering confusion. We were good for each other for a moment, but in the larger scheme of life were meant to have greater connection with a same-sex partner.

Don't know why I'm telling that story here: I've never discussed it with anyone "in real life". But it just popped into my head wanting to come out, maybe because this seems as good a thread as any for an example that sexuality isn't always as locked-in as we might think. Life surprises us sometimes.

Wow Dragonscub - what a great, no what a marvellous input to this thread. I've read it word by word one time, two times and three times! Every point of your text is true and wonderful written.

And at last: I've printed your text and if my BF and I will meet our friends next time we will discuss your post.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in this special and important theme. :thumbs up::big hug:

 

[dragonscub]

Thank you, Shelter, for the very kind feedback you always give us! p

And I'm sorry my posts have been so very long, I'm not too good at editing down. Its very hard when a thread relates to my personal experience or that of my friends: I want to share stories, but I see now they go much too long. Thanks to everyone for their patience with me, I promise to make shorter posts in future.

:cheers:

 

[Shelter]

Thank you, Shelter, for the very kind feedback you always give us! p

And I'm sorry my posts have been so very long, I'm not too good at editing down. Its very hard when a thread relates to my personal experience or that of my friends: I want to share stories, but I see now they go much too long. Thanks to everyone for their patience with me, I promise to make shorter posts in future.

:cheers:

No. no, no Dragonscub there are very long posts, but they say nothing - but not yours! Believe me it is really a pleasure to read your posts because they have not only many words but most important they have substance and it is worth to read your posts. So if you find a thread here which will be of interest for you please write as long as you want - it is worth for us to read your posts word by word. I love it!!!! :thumbs up::thumbs up:

And let me tell you, you are a marvellous writer. I would be so very happy if I could enunciate myself in the same way. But you know: here we have to write in English and English is not my native language. If I could write in German, believe me I would write as well more and more explicit. But nonetheless I hope everyone will understand me, in spite of all my grammar mistakes.

 

[Zander Chrome]

Depend on the people involved. Are both partner the same or different way

 

[zimbalist1]

Sure it can.

 

[bateman84]

Oh absoluteley!

Yes it can fo' sho'!!!!

 

[Mrpope1997]

Personally society is too judgmental toward bisexual men

 

[nhoward212]

sure, why not