Daily Humor

[neo666]

hehehehehehe sick but is funny

 

[LPfan]

I am a very sick man, but you still love me. Lol. I have a few more. ;P


Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "FUCK me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants dick is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".



After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, **** him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

 

[playfulxx]

Disturbed.

I don't know what's more disturbing: My mother telling me my sister is a lesbian, or my dad winking and saying "No she's not".

 

[LPfan]

Oh now you're asking for it now. My favorite, yet slightly more disturbing than usual, joke that involves APRIL FOOLS and a baby. Yes I have a very fucked up mind. Have I no shame? Yes I do, but the loss of 1 hour of sleep due to the time change is affecting my morals. (I can blame that if I want. Lol.)



A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the baby wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
Congratulations," she says. It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
My baby!" screams the mother.
Don't worry, I'll get it! smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
What are you doing?! yells the mother.
April Fools!" replies the nurse. It was already dead!

 

[illumulli]

GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS



A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC



Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

 

[illumulli]

Hilarious! Growing up without a cell phone



If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

 

[Olorin]

My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.

What a bunch of idiots.

I'm gay because I like cock.

 

[playfulxx]

:agree:

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

Hilarious! Growing up without a cell phone



If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

You know what? Despite all the devices the kids have that I didn't have when I was growing up, I feel sorry for the little buggers. I didn't have a computer console or even a GameBoy. Most of my toys were something that involved physical activity, and although I was never much good at sports I managed to get exercise without really trying. It is astonishing how much fun you can have with simple things. When was the last time you saw kids playing in a billy-cart? Now they are more likely to be Twittering, playing computer games or watching TV. I used to watch TV too, but only for a couple of hours at most in the evening.

Moreover, I am appalled at the lack of independence that kids are allowed. Mobile phones (cell phones to Americans) are a wonderful invention.... except that now the parents are never out of touch, they can always call their child to ask what's going on. The child could turn the phone off, but you can bet Mum or Dad would want to know why. That device, which is supposed to give you freedom to roam, has in fact become like a ball and chain in certain cirstances.

Don't get me wrong, it was not all rosy growing up in the 1950 and 1960s, but there are some things that kids miss out on now. this was brought home to me when I was in South America and found myself in tiny mountain villages accessible only by foot or pony. This was the 1970s but for those people it might as well have been the 1800s. I watched the children playing - at one point they got me involved in their game - and they were having the time of their lives playing games that required such equipment as sticks, little wire hoops, rounded stones, or in some cases n equipment at all, just imagination. I don't think most of our generation would want to do away with the current technology - after all, we invented it - but it does need to be kept in its place.

OK, back to Daily Humour now... sorry for the long serious rant but it seemed relevant.

 

[zytaro]

You know what? Despite all the devices the kids have that I didn't have when I was growing up, I feel sorry for the little buggers. I didn't have a computer console or even a GameBoy. Most of my toys were something that involved physical activity, and although I was never much good at sports I managed to get exercise without really trying. It is astonishing how much fun you can have with simple things. When was the last time you saw kids playing in a billy-cart? Now they are more likely to be Twittering, playing computer games or watching TV. I used to watch TV too, but only for a couple of hours at most in the evening.

Moreover, I am appalled at the lack of independence that kids are allowed. Mobile phones (cell phones to Americans) are a wonderful invention.... except that now the parents are never out of touch, they can always call their child to ask what's going on. The child could turn the phone off, but you can bet Mum or Dad would want to know why. That device, which is supposed to give you freedom to roam, has in fact become like a ball and chain in certain cirstances.

Don't get me wrong, it was not all rosy growing up in the 1950 and 1960s, but there are some things that kids miss out on now. this was brought home to me when I was in South America and found myself in tiny mountain villages accessible only by foot or pony. This was the 1970s but for those people it might as well have been the 1800s. I watched the children playing - at one point they got me involved in their game - and they were having the time of their lives playing games that required such equipment as sticks, little wire hoops, rounded stones, or in some cases n equipment at all, just imagination. I don't think most of our generation would want to do away with the current technology - after all, we invented it - but it does need to be kept in its place.

OK, back to Daily Humour now... sorry for the long serious rant but it seemed relevant.

hmm, maybe but its hard to compare

 

[hauntery]

nice..haha

 

[cujoboy]

In today's busy world, there just is not enough humor.

To keep our members smiling, if you have a funny joke or clip or story or even a cartoon to post, put it here.

Hopefully, coming here on a daily basis to find something new and funny will make everyone smile.

Two guys are fucking in the woods when, suddenly, lightning strikes them both dead! Which one goes to heaven first?

The bottom - he's shit is already packed!!!!!!:rofl::duh:

 

[j7oaks]

friday-afternoon laugh

http://http://anonym.to/?http://www.funny-email.co.uk/tag/friday-afternoon/


Please always remember to anonymise external links.
Thanks
XMan101 Admin

 

[slimjim]

 

[jarhead0000]

Found you today and this is my thank you...

What is the must have for every lesbians first date?

A removal truck.

 

[slimjim]

 

[Minos]

me, at work every monday

 

[slimjim]

 

[Olorin]

I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter. He told me he was a kamikaze pilot during the war and his codename was 'Chow mein'.
I asked, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you kamikaze pilots supposed to sacrifice your lives for your country?"
He replied, "Yeah, but I was a Chicken Chow mein!"

 

[TazDevil]

Nice