Growing old as a gay man

[str8twinks]

I turned 40 a while back. So I am 'over the hill'? Well still young enough not to be too worried.

My question is do the older members of the forum worry about growing elderly and maybe ending up in a nursing home. The reason I ask is gay men mostly have no kids. So... who looks after you. Nieces maybe, if you are lucky?

 

[yoyo888]

I have another 10 years on you. I know when I was reachingt he half century I wasstressing my self out about the future . But now I have reached 50.

In my head im now thinking about bring on retirement, I have been working long enough now. But also at the same time, Oh I DONT want to be old. so want time to slow down.

As you get older the days go so much quicker, and the end of the year is here again so soon. Remember when you were a kid. Christmasn seemd to take ages to come around. but now, BANG its there again!

I do think what it will be like when I hit retirement age, with no one in my life. I will probably be one of those lnesome people that are all in the news recently.

Yes Im a loner! even now

Jeeez dont really want to type any more. Might get my self down again!

YOYO

 

[Stonecold]

Henri wrpte

I have noticed that many gay men who go past the age of 60 start to get a little bitter and angry. Just in my anecdotal experience. Maybe others will disagree.

I suppose yes, the nursing home looming is a bigger fear for gays. You'd be too old for porn but you could still pinch the bottoms of the male nurses.

I am much closer to 70 then 60,and I know quite a few Gay men over 60 and maybe it is just the ones I know of but I find the opposite is true.

I find there is nothing to be bitter about, I think I was lucky to have been sexually active in the pre hiv days and the older people I know feel the same. I have one friend that is not in a long term relationship and is single at 78. I am always downloading him porn as he still gets off to porn on a daily basis.
I am sure some older Gay people are worried about going to a nursing home because they are rampant in homophobia and not your own home.

 

[str8twinks]

I am much closer to 70 then 60,and I know quite a few Gay men over 60 and maybe it is just the ones I know of but I find the opposite is true.

I find there is nothing to be bitter about, I think I was lucky to have been sexually active in the pre hiv days and the older people I know feel the same. I have one friend that is not in a long term relationship and is single at 78. I am always downloading him porn as he still gets off to porn on a daily basis.
I am sure some older Gay people are worried about going to a nursing home because they are rampant in homophobia and not your own home.

You have a child if I recall correctly from the parent-homophobia thread. Presumably, one who will ensure you are okay in your eighties and (hopefully) beyond.

Incidentally, if you are pushing seventy, you mom must be quite elderly? You mentioned her I think in the same thread. So you might inherit the same longevity.

Most people look back fondly on their youth. If it's all sunshine and roses after sixty, why miss your youth at all? Of course, maybe you don't. But that seems counter intuitive, does it not?

Most people fear very old age. Fear maybe a stroke. Maybe you don't, of course. Best to keep a positive frame of mind. Being childless doesn't help though. You'll allow that might alter the perspective, especially as one approaches end of life and end of life planning.

 

[Stonecold]

I have had the same partner for 35 years and we look out for each other. I find sunshine and roses in that. I retired at the end of last year, but my hubby still works so I find enjoyment in trying to make his life as easy as possible. We cherish the times we have together. I had a stroke back in around 2005 and had a couple of surgeries this year. I think younger people fear very old age but people who our old themselves don't. I only fear leaving my partner by himself. We have done everything legally possible to ensure whoever is left behind will not have to worry about finances or care for our fur babies. We only have each other to count on. My son I haven't seen in several years. We talk on the phone maybe 2 times a year. He lives with his wife and three children and his wife is a born again Christian. I love my son and he loves me but he has to go on his own path and worry about his own family. My son's life is his children. I doubt his wife would even let him come down to see me even if I was on my death bed. Death is nothing to fear, it is something that happens to everyone. Death is not an ending but the beginning of the next phase of our existence.

 

[Whtrbbit]

I worry about my future. Not because I'm gay but I do worry about how my living situation and medical care will be in when I'm elderly.

 

[Stonecold]

Whtrbbit

I worry about my future. Not because I'm gay but I do worry about how my living situation and medical care will be in when I'm elderly.

I can understand that, I found Social Security was a breeze and the workers there were very courteous and helpful. I don't know how old you are but making sure you have a home paid off when you retire if at all possible is a must. Seniors have to spend a lot of time when picking Medicare part C plans because they vary a lot.

 

[str8twinks]

I have had the same partner for 35 years and we look out for each other. I find sunshine and roses in that. I retired at the end of last year, but my hubby still works so I find enjoyment in trying to make his life as easy as possible. We cherish the times we have together. I had a stroke back in around 2005 and had a couple of surgeries this year. I think younger people fear very old age but people who our old themselves don't. I only fear leaving my partner by himself. We have done everything legally possible to ensure whoever is left behind will not have to worry about finances or care for our fur babies. We only have each other to count on. My son I haven't seen in several years. We talk on the phone maybe 2 times a year. He lives with his wife and three children and his wife is a born again Christian. I love my son and he loves me but he has to go on his own path and worry about his own family. My son's life is his children. I doubt his wife would even let him come down to see me even if I was on my death bed. Death is nothing to fear, it is something that happens to everyone. Death is not an ending but the beginning of the next phase of our existence.

I imagine having that stroke must have been a shock at the time, and perhaps changed your perspective on life afterwards? For me, I would try to laugh at all the silly little things I worried about previously. It's great that you (at least partially) recovered. Some actually don't recover lost ability and function. I suppose you have to be grateful for every blessing.

 

[Stonecold]

str8twinks

I imagine having that stroke must have been a shock at the time, and perhaps changed your perspective on life afterwards? For me, I would try to laugh at all the silly little things I worried about previously. It's great that you (at least partially) recovered. Some actually don't recover lost ability and function. I suppose you have to be grateful for every blessing.

Yes you do indeed become grateful and have a changed perspective on life.
The stroke was a real shock and woke me up. I quit smoking and changed my diet.
I become a firm believer in Bragg Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar, ginger, and garlic. I increased fruit and vegetable intake 10 fold. I was left with one lasting condition, and that was issues with thinking and memory. I actually like the long term condition as I no longer dwell on things. I live in a state of peace. I have to force myself to think of bad memories from the past and write them down because if I try to think on them it is like my mind just goes blank and won't go there. I also can't think on bills and important stuff. I was reminded lately of it when a windows 10 update killed my PC program called active desktop that I have used for many years. I have now got an older PC that this program works on. The program goes full screen and each due date is shown and you can ad a note when you pay it.

 

[str8twinks]

str8twinks



Yes you do indeed become grateful and have a changed perspective on life.
The stroke was a real shock and woke me up. I quit smoking and changed my diet.
I become a firm believer in Bragg Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar, ginger, and garlic. I increased fruit and vegetable intake 10 fold. I was left with one lasting condition, and that was issues with thinking and memory. I actually like the long term condition as I no longer dwell on things. I live in a state of peace. I have to force myself to think of bad memories from the past and write them down because if I try to think on them it is like my mind just goes blank and won't go there. I also can't think on bills and important stuff. I was reminded lately of it when a windows 10 update killed my PC program called active desktop that I have used for many years. I have now got an older PC that this program works on. The program goes full screen and each due date is shown and you can ad a note when you pay it.

Smoking is a recurring theme when it comes to all kinds of health scares and major health incidents. Especially the heavy smoker. I was a light smoker (15-20 per day, never more) for ten years. Then I gave up. Felt good for the first 12-24 hours (excited to be quitting, wondering what happens next!) then days 2-3 were pretty bad. You can't really describe it. By day 5 or 6 I started to feel normal again, just slightly cranky. Then, after about a month I got a low mood (not depression really, just a low mood) that persisted for a few weeks. I took the 'positive thinking' route back to normal mood. Then, it was over. I never looked back and don't even want a cigarette. It's all a state of mind.

Sadly I have a relative, about 50, who had a very serious stroke (a smoker). He has no independence and is basically confined to a bed. The doctor has declared that he will never improve, never recover. It's horrific.

One thing I'm not is pc, but on this I am and I'll keep the message simple: If you smoke, stop!

 

[azanallover]

I am in my mid 50's and hope to go fast when it is my time so I don't end up in a nursing home and the state ends up with my property.

 

[bluemount]

Get a project going is your city that provides services and activities if possible. In London, UK we have http://anon.projectarchive.net/?http://openingdoorslondon.org.uk/ that is for anyone in the LGBT community over 50.

 

[Stonecold]

azanallover
I am in my mid 50's and hope to go fast when it is my time so I don't end up in a nursing home and the state ends up with my property.

I think the state will end up with more and more of senior's property as time goes on. The aging population with low birthrates will make it necessary. I don't like the idea but as a senior I can also understand that young workers cannot be taxed so heavily to support seniors and as the birthrate declines and the amount of seniors increase it will only get worse. I love having Medicare and getting great medical but I do find it strange that retired people get it and a lot of hard working young people can't even afford basic medical.

 

[Stonecold]

bluemount
Get a project going is your city that provides services and activities if possible. In London, UK we have http://anon.projectarchive.net/?http...london.org.uk/ that is for anyone in the LGBT community over 50.

You have a great idea there. I imagine in small cities there is a huge need for services.
The Houston Tx area has SPRY (Seniors Preparing for Rainbow Years) offers discounted counseling and case management services as well as free men’s and women’s groups, classes, and social activities such as potluck dinners, movie days, and day trips. The Montrose Diner is open 3 days a week at the center to serve free, hot lunches and social time to seniors age 60 and up. There are also a couple of Episcopal churches that have a Gay senior night.

 

[trencherman]

Nothing unique to getting old gay

Bertrand Russell does just that in his essay “How to Grow Old,” written when the philosopher was 81 (sixteen years before he eventually passed away, at age 97).

But the true kernel of his short essay, “the proper recipe for remaining young,” he says, came to him from the example of a maternal grandmother, who was so absorbed in her life, “I do not believe she ever had time to notice she was growing old."*“If you have wide and keen interests and activities in which you can still be effective,” Russell writes. “you will have no reason to think about the merely statistical fact of the number of years you have already lived, still less of the probable shortness of your future.”

 

[Warnerwat]

Im always interested in hearing peoples stories about growing up in large families because I grew up in a family of ten. Does anyone have a story they want to share?

 

[trypt]

All this sounds depressing! Am in my mid 40s. Surely there's stuff to look forward to?

 

[Otage]

Many straight people too get bit bitter and angry as they grow old, no matter they may have children or not. Getting bitter hasn't got much to do with your sexuality or the fact that do you have children. If "growing old as gay man" causes you distress, I think the real problem is attached to the "gay" part. Maybe there is smth there?

At 50 people usually want to achieve something "permanent". Maybe leave smth behind, or give smth back. If you can't find the meaning for your life, it's easy to crawl back into yourself, get bitter, and feel like you don't matter. When presence feels intolerable, it's easy to fantasize about the past, and give up on future.

When you get old, it's time to look back, and valuate was it a success or not. So basicly, can you accept your past, all of it's hardships and learnings, challenges and rewards. Can you say, that you have live, or will you get bitter because of all of the things you didn't do, and the mistakes you can't repair?

Working with elderly I have noticed, that no matter the financial stature, being a widow, living with out relatives, being sick or healthy, nothing really defines how happy or optimistic the person is. Happiest say, that the real key is attitude towards life. They take part, are interested and don't let minor setbacks put them down. They look forward, and remember past with pride.

Maybe by thinking and worrying, you are going through your values. What really is important to you, what you really want. It might be sad at times, but it's very normal.

 

[Stonecold]

trypt

All this sounds depressing! Am in my mid 40s. Surely there's stuff to look forward to?

I can tell you several things to look forward to that retirement allows.

My hubby is still working so I have the joy of trying to make his life outside of work as pleasant and easy as possible which gives me much joy. I love being able to have dinner ready when he walks in the door and having work clothes ready to go when needed.

I now have the time to spend with my cats and time to donate to different charities that need help, my current one of choice is a cat bottle feeding rescue center. My husband works graveyard shift and there are not many people who can give over night hours bottle feeding motherless kittens so I am so happy I can fill this urgent need whenever they need help and it is a very rewarding activity.

I have time to care for and enjoy gardening. Vegetables and flowers do so much better when you have the time to tend to them. There is such a joy working in gardens.

I have time to binge watch tv shows and I find now that I am older I can recycle shows a lot more often and they seem new.

Being older and retired allows you the time to help friends who are under so many pressures. I can do shopping, or run their pet to the vet if they don't have time.

There are so many things to look forward to.

 

[Pakeha]

53, happy, having a great partner for 16 years