coming out can carry a high price tag in some cultures. It is wise to tally up the risks - the change in relationship, financial impact, maybe even physical danger depending on where you are.
But you have to weigh that against the risks of the alternative - lying to those you care about you and spending a lifetime pretending to be straight.
I won't repeat myself (for long time forum readers who have heard me go on and on about this over the years) - but new members can catch up here in my response to octass in 2011.
It sounds like you have made the decision to come out (or are at least seriously considering it), and you are looking for practical "how-to" advice. So, here are
topdog's coming out tips
don't focus on the short term; play the long game
your goal is to live your life as who you really are. You will have strong relationships because you don't have anything to hide. Not everyone is going to like you; not everyone is going to agree with you. So what? That's life.
Coming out can make things uncomfortable. It certainly is no fun to tell people you love that you have been pretending to be something you are not. And sometimes family won't take this well. Things can be very awkward for a while.
But this is the quickest way to get to the life you want where you can love and be loved for who you are. That's the goal - no matter how bumpy it gets focus on getting to be the open person you want to be.
it's not about you
i know it can feel like you are suddenly stepping into the spotlight and revealing this deep, dark secret in front of the people closest to you. But that's not what coming out is about. You've had your time questioning and figuring things out. You have resolved your issue. You've already made the adjustment.
it's all about them
you don't come out to make yourself more comfortable. You do it so the people you love can know you better and stay close to you. This is an act of courtesy and respect for them - to show them how much you love and trust them. This is an opportunity to make these relationships better.
For some people this may be the first time they have come face to face someone they love being homosexual. For them, you are taking them by the hand and helping them take the first step on a journey of knowledge and discovery that may take them a while to resolve - months or even years. So you do everything possible to make this step as clear and respectful as possible.
Here is an analogy. I admit, its negative, but bear with me because i think the emotional illustration is helpful. Let's say you find out you have cancer. It could be fatal, but maybe not, and your doctors have worked out a treatment plan for you. You had a hard time dealing with this news, but after a couple of weeks, with the help and patience of good friends, you have accepted it and embraced the new focus of your life.
Now you need to tell your parents. Is it their business? No. Do they have a say in it? No. Is there anything they can do to change it? No.
You tell them because you want them to know sooner rather than later, and you want to be able for them to participate in your life as it now is. You don't want to pretend that everything is the same as before. You know they care for you and they would want to know, even if the news was bad and hard to deal with. And you want to make it easier for them to deal with, if possible.
That's what the coming out conversation with your family is like. You are focusing on them and their needs at the moment, because you have dealt with your issues, for the time being. You know this may not be easy, so you want to be there for them with answers to basic questions and maybe some ideas for people they might be able to talk to or books to read to learn more about being the parent of a gay child. There is nothing they can do to change it - this is just a fact of their life the way it is.
you can't control how they react to the news
your responsibility is to tell them. They are responsible for how they react and you can't control that. Let it happen. Good or bad, let them react. Know that their initial reaction won't last - in a year you will all be in a very different place, and it will likely be much better for all of you. Remember - you are playing the long game. There may be some short-term pain and chaos. But you are setting them up for a good relationship with you for the rest of your lives.
build a support system
if possible, tell someone else in the family first. Find an ally. Pick the person you think will hear this and still love and respect you - a sibling if possible. Give them a little bit of time to have several conversations with you, but not so much time that it becomes awkward that they know and your parents don't. This gives you a trial run; a bit of practice to build up your confidence. And if you feel like you need it, ask them to come with you to have the discussion.
If you don't have someone in your family that fits the bill, then practice by telling a few friends that have known you for a long time. You want to have a network of support to back you up , strengthen and comfort you if things don't go well.
the medium is the message
we live in an age of instant communication. We have so many options. Let's look at some and how they work for delivering this message.
- in person - absolutely the best way to have this conversation. First, it works best technically because you can read all the body language (and they can see yours) and tailor the tone and message to the situation. Second, when you take the time to go there and sit down face to face with them it says that they are very important to you, you respect them, and want to do whatever you can to cross over this bridge.
.- letter / e-mail - sometimes the distance makes it impossible to do this in person. A letter is your next best option. It has the advantage of allowing you to carefully compose what you want to say. Further suggestions: Follow up the letter with a short phone call to say that you care about them and set up a time in a couple of days for a longer phone discussion. If they want to talk more in that first call, that's fine. The point is don't put them on the spot right after they get the letter to have some kind of statement - give them time to digest. But at the same time, you want to quickly let them have a word with "the new you". Don't hide behind the letter and wait for them to bring it up. Have the courage to show your face and stand behind your words. Another suggestion: A good old-fashioned letter give a feeling of importance that an e-mail can't quite convey.
.- phone call - when distance is involved this is the most common method. There's nothing wrong with a phone call - it's just often harder to get what you want across. You don't have the actual presence and body language of an in-person visit, and you don't have the time to get it "just right" as in composing a letter. But while the phone conversation isn't as good at dealing with the nuances, it does have the advantage of immediacy. There is no waiting for a letter to be read.
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If you are going to come out over the phone - say your piece, but don't put your parents on the spot to immediately come up with an official response or approval. Assume they are going to need some time to process this. Ask them open ended questions like "what are you feeling right now?", rather than direct "so, are you ok with this?" ask to schedule a time for a follow up phone call where they can ask questions that they can't articulate just yet.
.- text / facebook / voice mail - no. Just, no. You don't throw people a curve like this in a text message. Voice mail is the coward's way out. And facebook - well a facebook post may be fine for letting old school classmates or friends or friends know about your new status. But people who love you should be given individual care, not informed by a casual note to the world-at-large.
what to say
every conversation is different. Even when you tell different people in your life you will tailor the message for them. Here are some things to think about.
- get to the point fast - a big build up just makes people nervous. Get the news out on the table, and then you can see how they react and pull in other information.
- emphasize why you are telling them - you respect them and trust them with knowing who you really are. You don't want to lie or pretend things are different just to make life easy.
- maybe give them a sense of your struggle - this hasn't been easy for you to come to terms with. You might share a little of your journey, how different things have made you feel.
- ask open ended questions - see if you can get them to talk a little bit about what they are feeling or what this means to them.
- be prepared with answers - what questions do you think they may ask? Are there religious issues? Are they worried about aids? Are you seeing someone? Have some answers ready so you are not completely caught off guard.
- give them a next step - schedule another time to talk; it might be later in the day, or in a few days. Don't dump this on them and then wait for them to contact you. This conversation is just the first of many.
- try to line up some resources - pflag (parents and friends of gays and lesbians) is a great group dedicated to parents and families who are in your parents position. Take a look at their website (pflag.org). Talk to parents of your gay friends who have already been through the experience. Ask them for advice. Ask if they would be willing to talk to your parents if they have questions.
what if it goes badly?
some people have religious convictions that tell them that homosexuality is bad. Other people are just ignorant and have put down gays all their lives. (the worst case is when they are in both categories.) you must already have some sense whether this will be a big issue.
- maybe you shouldn't tell them - if you think you may be physically threatened, or thrown out of the house - then it might be better to leave things as they are until you can support yourself. I know, after all i have said about being honest, etc. - but you need to be able to handle the possibility that in the worst case, you might be thrown out. Now, if you are 40 years old, that is no big deal. But if you are 18 and dependent on your family for support, that is another story. Your safety comes first.
- if you follow the same religious teaching as your parents then share how you have come to terms with this. Let them know that you have seriously worked through this. Be ready for them to quote scripture to you. Do your homework and have a response.
- have an escape plan - if things get too heavy, call a time out. Tell them you will give them some time and then you can talk some more. Get out of there; walk out the door and have somewhere to go.
- have your friends ready to support you - let them know that "tonight is the night". Arrange to check in with them afterward.
whatever happens, remember that this is just the beginning. You are not going to accomplish everything in one meeting. It took you years, probably, to completely come to terms with your sexuality. Give your family the same time to deal with this.
I know that there is a lot here - just pick and choose the parts that seem useful to you.
Wishing you love and peace - td
