I ruined everything

[Turtle2345]

Hi All

This isn't what I usually come on this website for but I need to talk to somebody about this.

Several days ago I left my boyfriend but now all I want is him back but he isn't replying to my texts. This is all my fault see it all started a couple of weeks ago when he started talking about how he wanted to move up in his hgv career to class 1. I didn't take well to this news because it will mean that he is working longer and maybe even away for several days and if we eventually live together then he will be home late in the evenings and I won't see much of him. I only ever see him once a fortnight at the moment because of the distance between us.

This is also probably to do with the fact that shortly before we got together he found out that I was being raped by another guy who was a family friend and same age as me. I'm 22 now. Anyways he basically stopped the guy and he's never raped me again since.

I'm sorry if I've left gaps in the story. Feel free to ask any questions. I just needed to talk to somebody about this because I'm stuck and don't know what to do at the moment.

 

[lhardwick69]

well whether he saved you from being raped or from jumping off a bridge to your death is completely irrelevant--he doesn't own your life from there on for any reason just be grateful he stopped the guy from raping you--

second is this --being together means working through things--the good the bad and sometimes the really ugly events that can put a strain in your relationship-- you see this day in and day out people breaking up over littlest things and don't want to help work it out and work through --- this is where you went wrong--it doesn't matter if he wanted to better his life career wise--or if he has an accident rendering him where he cant walk again--if you truly love him you will accept him for who he is and what he decides to do and support him --

I am curious how things went down between you two when broke up did you say things shouldn't have--did he--if so this makes things more complicated and more difficult to get over--

the only decision that would break me up with someone I am with would be if he decided to become a girl--I didn't fall in love with a girl so how can I be with him after the change--I am gay after all and if he changes that part about himself-- then that would mean he is trying to change me--and I just wont do it--saying this because its happened to me once-- he figured we were in love he thought I wouldn't leave him--I told him his dick wasn't what I fell in love with but its part of why I am with him..


give him few days to calm down and anything else walk over stay calm getting aggrevated and yelling and screaming at each other only makes it worse-- and if he doesn't want to talk about it and say its over--remember the ol saying what doesn't kill me makes me stronger--

hope this helps

 

[topdog]

There is a lot going on in these few paragraphs. First of all, I am so sorry for the awful experience you have been through with that family friend. And then to face losing a lover must make the pain even greater.

At the same time, you have ended the abusive relationship, and are taking steps toward getting better - so that is a positive no matter what happens with the boyfriend.

Relationship

A bond is built on trust and respect and how people with various needs fit together. Everyone has their baggage from the past, but as the line from the musical Rent goes: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

If you want/need someone that stays home and dotes on you, this probably isn't the guy. On the other hand if you want someone smart and ambitious that will pursue his dreams and encourage you to pursue yours, he might be perfect. But it still comes down to two questions:

1. Is he the right fit?
2. Can you respect him and love him as he is?

Remember, he is asking himself the same two questions. This may be a temporary bump in the road, or he may be finding that for him the answer to one of those questions is "no" and it is time for him to move on.

If you think there is a future here, then now is the time for more than a text. You owe him a full-on "I was wrong and here's why and I know I hurt you and please forgive me" apology. If this is going to turn in to a long-term relationship then consider this the first of many. But knowing how to apologize is like stretching your muscles - it's what gives relationships their flexibility. So, consider this practice.

After that, it's up to him. He has to take what you say into account, and then answer those two questions for himself. You will need to respect his answer.

Healing

Completely aside from the boyfriend, you have come through a traumatizing experience. People don't just pick up and go on with life after being raped. The wounds go deep and the healing process is slow. You are still responding to that and understandably, your boyfriend is getting hit with some of the fallout. That is going to happen, but you need to take responsibility for your own healing. Get help. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a counseling center. If you and your boyfriend stay together, then couples therapy might be a good addition. He needs to know what is ahead and how to love and help you.

As I said there is a lot to process here and you are at the beginning of both processes - the relationship and the healing.

And because you are just at the beginning of your healing, don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't make it. You have so many things happening right now, the odds just aren't that good. But, even so, learning how to apologize and take responsibility for your own crap is a skill that will help you in every future relationship, and facilitate your healing at the same time. And it makes a positive outcome possible - even if that outcome is gaining a friend instead of a lover.

 

[lhardwick69]

I don't think he says he was in a abusive relationship--he says his bf wanted to quote "he wanted to move up in his hgv career to class 1 unquote--he didn't like it disagreed with it and broke up with him--

and if don't see each other much as it is because of distance--that alone is a strain in itself-- but when someone you supposedly love wants to better themselves--you don't bitch and leave--

 

[Shelter]

Hi Turtle 2345, I'm a little bit older than you (29) but nonetheless not too old that I will not understand your problem.

But let me start with a word of criticism. Your BF will have just now the big chance to climb up the job-ladder. To get a better job or, like in his case, a promotion, means a better salary but in the same way more responsibilities and because of these responsibilities more tasks.

You have told us that you are 22 - let us know how old your BF is. Or what are you doing? What is your job?

But you should be proud if your BF will get such a chance. On the other hand I know it very well what it means not to be together all the day or as recently as in the late evening. Look, perhaps you are knowing it, but I'm self-employed and as such a person I have to work more than my employees, so very often I'll come home late in the evening. And my BF (32) is working as a manager in a big assurance company. Very often he is not at home because of training courses or congresses.

But despite all these things - we surely have a private life. Perhaps not so much as we wanted it - but in real life no one is asking you what you want. As my BF once said: "If you have found a job you like so much - don't call your job "work""

I think your BF has awaited from you a little bit more pleasure because of his promotion. Surely he is hurt and angry about your reaction.

Try it to excuse yourself to him - if he loves you he will forgive you. If not (what I don't hope) make it better the next time.

Please let us know what will happen.

 

[Turtle2345]

Well he has started responding to my texts and he has told me that this is not just about how I reacted to him wanting to better his career but how I react to anything negative for example he has a family meal on this weekend so even without the massive argument I still wouldn't have seen him. I've explained to him that I only reacted the way I did because I was disappointed with finding out that I'd have to wait longer to be able to see him again. But he says that's no excuse.

He's told me that he still loves me but just doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment. He's told me that I need to be able to cope and look after myself on my own. I asked him "so you want me to leave?" And he replied with "short answer is yes". I don't want to lose him and I can't cope on my own.

Nobody can help me apart from him. I've tried counsellors before. We even tried couples counselling together but that ended with her basically saying that we are now on a great path to a happy relationship. What a lie that turned out to be.

My boyfriend is same age as me just a couple of months younger and I work as a software developer so office job half 8 to half 5. He asked what my dream relationship would be and I said both partners leaving for work and arriving home same time so that they get mornings and evenings together.

I've told him I'm sorry and I've told him I know what I did was wrong but it hasn't made a difference.

I'm. I don't even know how I am at the moment.

 

[Shelter]

Perhaps, and that is only a supposition, he believes he isn't ready for a long-term relationship just in the moment. And perhaps you are too close to him. Perhaps he is looking only for an adventure.

But make clear to him what you want and that in an honest and respectful manner. If he don't want it - so cruel it sounds - let him go.

 

[Turtle2345]

But we've been going out for 4 years.

 

[lhardwick69]

well what we dream our relationships will be like and what is a reality are two different things--people in relationships I know --one works dayshift the other works nightshift straight and gay alike--some even have kids to have to deal with daily as well--its making the time you have together more meaningful

relationships break up every day--some reasons like always arguing and bitching fighting isn't what one wants from relation but the other one seems to want to have a lot of drama--so over reacting on things this person gets tired of it--decides to get out and find someone else without the drama

the story about you being raped be nice to know more about how that came about--and the thing about that is he saved you making it more difficult for you to let him go--if after 4 years he wants it over with then cant change it--all we can do is learn from it and try not make same mistakes again...does his family know about you or has he just kept it between you and him --I was with a guy few months and he tells me I will never know his family know his son --he had a 12 yr old son--andim like so your family don't know about you he says no and never will..so I told him bye--as bad as I hated it but I wasn't about to stay in closet or go back into the closet just to be with him..


hope you do manage make it on your own maybe its a test he wants you to go through to know that if something does happen badly like one of you dying that if its him dead and youre alive that he knows you will make it without him..then again he just saying need make it on your ownbecause he is gone--

I don't know the complete story butif its the drama you seem to bring into the relationship--a lot of guys don't like it and decided its time to get away from it all

 

[Turtle2345]

What exactly do you want to know? And his parents think I'm a friend of his. When he still lived with his parents as far as they were aware he was seeing a friend and obviously now that he lives on his own he just doesn't tell his parents anything I haven't even met them.

I hope it is just him testing me. I guess all I can do is try to be fine on my own until he texts back, if he does.

 

[lhardwick69]

4 years with him and his parents don't know you exist--are you still in closet?

if not why you let him keep you hidden away like a toy and takes you out only when he wants something-- I am in west Virginia if were close id like chat with you face to face just to tell you don't be a mans stepping stone--if he truly loves you he wouldn't keep you a secret

how far apart ae you two from each other--when say when get together its not often because of distance-- if let know how far apart from each other you are so know idea whats going on.. you seem like a nice guy to be letting him keep you in hiding--if it was me if I didn't know his family after 6 months or even a year id find someone that wants to show who loves him not hide me

 

[W!nston]

There is a lot going on in these few paragraphs. First of all, I am so sorry for the awful experience you have been through with that family friend. And then to face losing a lover must make the pain even greater.

At the same time, you have ended the abusive relationship, and are taking steps toward getting better - so that is a positive no matter what happens with the boyfriend.

Relationship

A bond is built on trust and respect and how people with various needs fit together. Everyone has their baggage from the past, but as the line from the musical Rent goes: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

If you want/need someone that stays home and dotes on you, this probably isn't the guy. On the other hand if you want someone smart and ambitious that will pursue his dreams and encourage you to pursue yours, he might be perfect. But it still comes down to two questions:

1. Is he the right fit?
2. Can you respect him and love him as he is?

Remember, he is asking himself the same two questions. This may be a temporary bump in the road, or he may be finding that for him the answer to one of those questions is "no" and it is time for him to move on.

If you think there is a future here, then now is the time for more than a text. You owe him a full-on "I was wrong and here's why and I know I hurt you and please forgive me" apology. If this is going to turn in to a long-term relationship then consider this the first of many. But knowing how to apologize is like stretching your muscles - it's what gives relationships their flexibility. So, consider this practice.

After that, it's up to him. He has to take what you say into account, and then answer those two questions for himself. You will need to respect his answer.

Healing

Completely aside from the boyfriend, you have come through a traumatizing experience. People don't just pick up and go on with life after being raped. The wounds go deep and the healing process is slow. You are still responding to that and understandably, your boyfriend is getting hit with some of the fallout. That is going to happen, but you need to take responsibility for your own healing. Get help. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a counseling center. If you and your boyfriend stay together, then couples therapy might be a good addition. He needs to know what is ahead and how to love and help you.

As I said there is a lot to process here and you are at the beginning of both processes - the relationship and the healing.

And because you are just at the beginning of your healing, don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't make it. You have so many things happening right now, the odds just aren't that good. But, even so, learning how to apologize and take responsibility for your own crap is a skill that will help you in every future relationship, and facilitate your healing at the same time. And it makes a positive outcome possible - even if that outcome is gaining a friend instead of a lover.

As always, TD, your advice is about as good as it gets. I agree with your assessment completely. I hope the OP takes it to heart. I believe it will help him overcome some of the hurt and find his way forward.

 

[topdog]

I don't think he says he was in a abusive relationship...

My fault - my opening paragraph wasn't clear at all. The abuse I was referring to was the rape in the past, not the current boyfriend. Sorry for the confusion.

... He's told me that he still loves me but just doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment. He's told me that I need to be able to cope and look after myself on my own. I asked him "so you want me to leave?" And he replied with "short answer is yes". I don't want to lose him and I can't cope on my own...

You asked him a question and you got an answer. This isn't a test. It's over. If you love him and want to maintain a friendship with him then you have to respect his choice and back off. That's what love is. It is accepting people as they are and respecting their boundaries. You don't have to feel good about it and it is going to hurt like hell. But let him have his space and his life.

The opposite of love is selfishness. It overrides everything else with "I want!!" You don't have to choose that path. Give him the gift of his freedom and honor his wishes.

But your continued healing is now top priority. It is not dependent on your boyfriend. As a matter of fact, he is in a way telling you that he can't be what you want and need. He can't help you.

Please go back to therapy. You have the perfect excuse - you are going through a break up. Use that as the starting point and see where that leads.

 

[lhardwick69]

it sounds like its over to me as well--sounds like the dream life wanting was failing and it bothered him a lot--we all dream of what we want and dream of what we cant have and realize life goes on--hope you will find a guy especially that will show you to his family friends and not try hiding you

 

[Stonecold]

I don't understand the need to be shown to family, We have tried to avoid either one of ours for decades. We even went as far around 25 years ago of clearing some woods out behind our place so we could hide our cars and make it look like we were not home.

 

[Turtle2345]

No I'm not in the closet. I'm completely out to my parents and brothers.

The distance between us is a two hour drive. It never bothered me that I didn't know his parents because he used to always drive to mine and after he got his own place I drive up to his and we had complete free roam of his place. So I never felt hidden or anything.

And I'm in the U.K so bit of a trip from West Virginia lol.

So I've wasted four years with this got who is now chucking me out what a fool I was to be piece him when he said he would always be there for me and never let anything bad happen to me. Why was I stupid enough to believe him.

I can't stop thinking about him. I want him back. I want to text him. I love him. Even though he's hurting me by making me leave I still love him and want him back. I'm totally fucked up.

I'm not doing counselling again. I've gone through several different counsellors in the past 4 years and I'm not doing it anymore plus the one counsellor who me and him saw together isn't responding to my emails.

 

[lhardwick69]

don't consider it wasted time--it was time in your life you were happy and loved him--but learn from this and as they say time heals all wounds--

yup from there to here more than two hour drive-- but I guess you get here you can stay

but you will think of him for a while and even years later when your with someone you will think about the past --we all do --its what makes us who we are--youre not totally fucked up youre just hurt and lonely and don't know how to cope--just give it time and you will see it will get better--

I will say it sucks how he just ditching you completely like he did--don't wanna sound cruel or mean but makes me wonder if he loved you at all--to just up and say yeah I want you to leave--I do feel sorry for you going through this--I don't want to come out as a hard ass--I dated a guy for over 8 months listened to him say he loved me only to find out he was cheating on me---

after him I just find it hard to trust men at all--talked to few guys that we talked for few times meeting then it went for the cock n ass stuff--making me fee like all they wanted was sex only so I didn't look for guys for a while

just give time to heal andyoull find a guy that will treat you right--

 

[Turtle2345]

I'm sorry but none of that is helping.

If he really didn't love me then I must be a complete fool to spend 4 years with him.

 

[jazzeven]

You don't have a relationship for some distant merrit in the future but because it is worth it in the present. Love is not binary. You can love more or love less. The romantic idea that every bit of love would be worth any sacrifice is complete bullshit.

"Is this what I want?" is the question you constantly have to ask yourself and which apparently he asked himself as well. To me it sounds like he was willing to deal with your problems but you were not willing to deal with his. So he became aware that it wasn't worth it for him.

Also it seems to me that the whole distance thing has been an issue for quite a while. Such problems one has to adress. Else they will spill out in a wild kerfuffle with other smaller problems and form some giant mess difficult to disentangle, no matter how insignificant the trigger might seem in hindsight.

If you want to keep him as a friend, don't try to solve the problem by brute force. Wait, become aware of what went wrong and then try to establish contact again once you stop feeling like you blame him for anything. If you cannot reach that state of mind, don't contact him at all, it will lead to nothing.

 

[Turtle2345]

I don't understand what you are saying.