Hey.
First of all :I am a 40 years old man, much into social relationships and stuff that would be just too complex to explain here, and maybe a touch out of the scope, but let's say that put all together, it builds up to what people would call "wisdom".
And English is a foreign language to me, so excuse some weird expressions that may come by.
Now, to your problem: I just went through your posts and some of the answers you received, and through them made my opinion.
Please do not believe it as true gold, it's only a partial point of view, based on experience and cross-indexing with other stories i heard and lived myself.
So just use what's below as a working hypothesis, and see where it leads you, even if i'll be positive in my sentences.
The way I see it, your boyfriend cared (and cares) about you, but may be finding you a bit oppressing.
You have no friends, no other people interest you and you do a quite isolated job that doesn't really improve your social skills.
So you just rested on this Relationship with him all along, and expected from it to be the main (only?) source of "reasons to live" in your life (i won't say happiness, assuming you may take pride in your job, but maybe the word could fit the description).
At some point, your BF decided to put his career forward, and this you couldn't accept.
So you made him some sort of act to try and bend his will to yours and hope that somehow he would say "ok, you are more important than my career, so i'll give up this (dream/wish/idea) to stay with you".
Well, let me say straight that seen from this part, it was a thad selfish.
You weren't expressing love, but desire to possess, which is actually quite common in couples where one put so much weight on the Relationship. No harsh feelings, here, not judging, just stating a common fact. We are all human.
And suddenly he needed some air!
So although he does love you (one doesn't stay with somebody 4 years just to fuck him, seriously! Physical attraction only last a few months, a year or two at most, but then if there really isn't anything else, the couple breaks apart), he was suffocating in that situation, and the fact that he had troubles answering your texts shows that he also wished for a different outcome.
But it was you or his mental safety, and he couldn't afford to lose that. If he does, you'll be both broken down for good in a few years.
Remember that in long-lasting couples the secret of success is to take care of the other - not in the way you want, but in the way he needs.
your (ex-)boyfriend needs to live a life where you are not most, if not all, of the equation. He needs independence, career, and other reasons to be happy than just you. That too isn't selfish, it's human.
So what to do now:
1) take a deep breath, and consider what's written above. If you do find that it may be right, go and see him, apologize to him for being such a asshole, and tell him to get the job he wants. Explain him what you understood and ask him to leave you a little time to mend yourself.
2) get out. Get some people to know. Not necessarily "friends", but people that you can talk to a level other than "please pass me the peanuts" in a bar. Get into society, and learn to be socially independent, too. 20 years isn't too late. Hell, even 40 isn't too late, as long as you are ready to take the bet and try it out. You can start with your workmate, asking them for a drink after work. You can try to find some associations that need help - often helping others helps you too.
You need to learn to stand by yourself, and get to be his equal. So far you were being his "groupie", and that's not good.
3) get yourself some objectives and achieve them. Chose easy things at first, like getting a working mission with some other people, or offering a coffee to a workmate just to have an informal chat, then try to find more items that will help you build your self-confidence.
I'm not going to make a list here, don't know much about you, so for this you may want to go talk to the counseillors you met previously. But for example, after a while you may want to try and participate to some contests, professionally or by hobby, aiming not at winning, but at making your best with all the strenght you have and can find.
4) find something that interests you, a field other than your job where you could have some fun and change your ideas whenever you feel stressed. May be art, or sports or reading.. whatever, as long as it eases you when needed and you can build some knowledge on it. Example, if you like to sing, go to karaokes regularly and train your voice, aiming at making it better. In short, learn to canalize your energy and concentration into something to get better at it. And chose items that can be shared with others, to be part of some groups (out of the net!)
5) practice some sport, regularly. Sounds off topic, but trust that no words are truer than "mens sana in corpore sano"
And finally the most important : Decide that you don't want to be a dead weight for your boyfriend anymore.
If you really love him, don't ever ask him to chose between you and something else - try instead to encourage him to push his future forward, and be ready to walk by his side if he needs help.
Tell him that you are going to do all these things - only if and when you are really decided to do it - and ask him if he wants you to keep him informed of your progress.
If he says "no", do not insist. Just say that when you'll feel healthier you will try and get in touch with him again.
It's a hard path that you will be walking on. Same as the one of an addicted that is deintoxicating.
And you will need to find strenght, every morning waking up and telling yourself that you want to do it. It gets easier with time if you really put yourself into it.
But in the end if you do keep at it, the reward will be there. I can't say what it will be, but there always is one.
If you don't see anything useful here, just ignore this post.
