I ruined everything

[lhardwick69]

there will always be a place in your heart and his for years--I think of guys I been with even back in high school days--if you love him and he says its over respect his wishes and let it go--
you say its where you disagreed with him wanting to better himself in his career and that you dreamed of waking up together going to work then coming home together same time and so on--that's a fantasy world one hell of a fantasy at best--
guys where I work at are married one works nightshift while their wives work a job elsewhere dayshift so time together isn't much but it takes money to live--food roof over your head electricity water and then money for entertainment like cable internet videogames--

but the time they spend together is more worthwhile spent because the time isn't as much as like--sure it puts a strain on a relationship but if you love each other as say do you work it out and deal with it..now if you got a job making money to support you and him where he is home all time and home when you get home from work then that be ok..but then again ii wouldn't want to support a man even if I loved him


but love doesn't die overnight--I think -let me know if I am right about this--or wrong--but I think theres more to this than him bettering himself in his creer that ended it--its either youre a drama queen make a huge deal over everything throw shit and think everything should be your way and when he said this about a career you blew up as usual and expect him to take it and he isn't--he just tired of it all and tired of the drama--I know where he is coming from there--I lost stuff I paid for over an ex temper tantrums and I got tired of it even broke up with him at his house so it be his shit he threw not mine
I dated a guy that told me what I was going to watch --listen to --no videogames--what music I listented to was going to be on headphones but I had to listen to his shit--I told him bye--he wanted to work things out but I told him if that's how he thinks now then he will never change--

but hope didn't say anything wrong about drama queen --but I dated a couple and when I see a guy and realize heis a drama queen I steer clear--I want someone I can love not someone to bitch and throw shit in anger

 

[Turtle2345]

He did say that he is fed up of me cinstantky throwing my toys out the pram at the smallest bit of bad news like not being able to see him a weekend.

So you are saying that i should respect what he wants and just accept that the relationship is over even though we still love each other?

You make it sound like im never gonna be able to have a relationship if im a drama queen.

 

[Turtle2345]

Well I guess these texts from him answer it for definite:

Because you're too clinged on to me, you need to grow on your own still

I want it to be forever, so that you just get over me, nothing will improve if you have the same mindset as always, that in a couple of weeks we'll be back together and normal

Me: You want to never see me again ever?
Him: I guess
Me: Stop guessing. If you want to do this you need to be 100% otherwise I'm gonna keep coming back
Him: Why can't you just accept that this is still hard for me to comit, I still love you, but I don't want this relationship for all the reasons I've said already
Me: I understand that this is hard for you which I've done what you asked and left for a few days. But I can't keep going through this pain forever. I need a final answer from you. I'm sorry
Him: That is my final answer
Me: Do you want me to leave forever? Yes or no!
Him: Yes

 

[lhardwick69]

I know I wont date a drama guy--queen just makes it so personal--you are old enough to be an adult act like an adult don't throw a hissy fit over not getting your way--youre not a 5 yr old anymore--in my mind and I am sure a lot of other guys will say same--if wanted a spoilt kid id adopt one---

sounds like its over--hate to hear it--but it seems like he is tired of you being clinging and throw stuff over least little thing--so best thing to do is let it go--and get your barrings together and learn from this-- next guy will hopefully be the one you wont be such a drama guyy

 

[Turtle2345]

Whats the point? I may as well just accept that i fucked up this relationship so im just gonna fuck up any other relationship i try to have

 

[Jase]

Normally, I don't like to give out relationship advice; however, after reading through this thread I did feel the need to make a comment.

Over the years, I've learned that sometimes things don't always work out the way that we want them to. No matter how hard we try to fix a situation, it just doesn't work out in the end, and it's time to move on.

Regrettably, judging by the tone and content of your last conversation, it sounds like he's done and doesn't want to work on saving the relationship. At this point, it's in both of your best interests and sanity to end things.

It's now time to do what's best to let yourself heal, move on, and focus on your future.

 

[Turtle2345]

How do i make sure i dont fuck up and be a drama guy again?

 

[topdog]

...Over the years, I've learned that sometimes things don't always work out the way that we want them to. No matter how hard we try to fix a situation, it just doesn't work out in the end, and it's time to move on...

I think a friend of mine gave me similar advice when she said: "Sometimes the glass slipper just doesn't fit."

It doesn't matter why - there are the reasons he's willing to put on the table and the reasons he won't. But really, "It isn't working" is sufficient to end things, and has to be respected.

How do i make sure i don't fuck up and be a drama guy again?

First of all, it didn't end because of you. He ended it. It was his choice; his responsibility. You were willing to work on it and keep things going. So, don't take the blame on yourself.

How do you make things better next time? Just do the work on you that you have already identified. Get yourself to a state where you can stand on your own two feet without needing a guy to prop you up and make you feel like a whole person. That's not a boyfriend's responsibility - that's your job. And now you have the time to do that.

You are still on the right track. You are strapped to the front of an emotional roller-coaster, but that can't be avoided. You are angry, frustrated, and grieving for a future that has suddenly disappeared. This is going to be hard. But you have already come a long way in a week.

 

[Turtle2345]

But he said that he ended it because of me so surely that means that I'm the reason it ended.

And I don't feel like I've moved at all. I feel like I'm still on square one.

 

[topdog]

No it did not end because you did the wrong thing. It ended because he fell in love with the wrong person and realized he made a mistake that he had to fix it. There's nothing you can do about that.

Sure, you messed up. You had a fight and you got hurt and you said things you shouldn't have. You know what they call that when you are married? A normal day. When you are with someone all the time they get both the good and the bad parts of you. You end up apologizing a lot.

You know how that scene goes with someone who really loves you? Something like this:

You: I know I screwed up and hurt you. You were right. Please forgive me.

A Real Boyfriend: Can you respect me and what I need? Because I get crazy when I feel pressured to be somebody different.

You: Yes! I know that now. But I kept calling and you never called back. I don't want to lose you. I want us to be together.

ARB: I want you too. And I'm sorry I didn't answer your texts. I was mad and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Look. I've got the family thing on Saturday, but how about I make an excuse and leave early and we can meet somewhere halfway between and have dinner. I really want to see you. We need to talk about this some more.

You: Yeah. I would like that. A lot. That would be nice.

ARB: OK. That's it, then.

You: Thanks. And I really am sorry about before.

ARB: I know. And I'm sorry for shutting you out. I shouldn't have done that.

You: No, you shouldn't have. But I'll overlook it this time.

ARB: Love you, baby.

Everybody screws up. But when you love someone and want the relationship to continue, you do the work needed to keep things going.

Your guy could have worked things out. But he chose not to. He chose to end the relationship. His choice - not yours. He decided you weren't the right fit for him. That's his right. And it sucks for you. But the relationship ended because he didn't love you enough to make it work.

 

[lhardwick69]

the thing is the drama queen quote--the ways to not be one is just don't over react to things-and when things don't go your way don't get all flipped out--he did end it but sounds to me he ended because of the over reacting to things like saying he was going to better himself in his career--first thing you did wrong there--is not support him--sounds like you just got pissy with him and he didn't approve and apparently you have this attitude that he has grown tired of--I wont say its all your fault but its not good when you act all pissy and drama

you live and learn--soundsl ike he was first bf so learn from it--and try to better yourself from it--don't become his little lapdog and be calm and quiet all time--but know when yo be calm and when to be all drama--and people would say watch this movie watch that movie--to get idea how to act--but that's not the answer --then you would be what the person is in the movies and not yourself--you really seem like a nice guyand do hope you luck


theres a guy at work where I work at--he was all attitude and hateful and acted like the world was on his shoulders--over time we talked I understood his being straight he understood my being gay--but we talked and as time went by he would let his anger get best of him--one night he left the building because he was pissed off at one of co workers-- and I went out talk to him and at first he was like I don't want to listen to your fucking mouth I said tuff and told him how I felt about him doing what he did--and that was him walking out instead of cussing and basically wanting to fight the guy that he was pissed off at--trust me that was a huge step for him...

weeks went on we talked about him and his family and he really opened up to me and it did him a lot of good--now he is able to control his temper and has a girlfriend--it sucks to because he was a perfect 10 to me--but I am still his friend we talk and he tells me how I changed his life--all it took was someone to sit down spend time with him and let him talk about his problems and why he was way he was--


we all need someone to talk to someone to confide in--with him he had me--with you you need someone to talk to and be open and honest--and be with someone that will listen and not judge--if its going to see a psychologist then so be it--it doesn't make you crazy it just makes you a person that realizes that you need someone to talk to--and maybe just maybe it will help you out with your problems as well

 

[Turtle2345]

Well it's probably bad that I'm keeping track but I can't help it. It's been 4 days now since I last talked to him and I'm quite pleased with myself for being able to stop myself from texting him for that long.

I think I am starting to understand what you lot have been saying in that he is the one who told me to leave because he doesn't want to be with me. I don't need to apologise to him because firstly I already have and secondly I just shouldn't because I haven't done anything else wrong that I should apologise for and me texting him and apologising will just make things worse.

I do still think about him but I'm no longer thinking I need him back and I can't do anything until he comes back instead I'm thinking I would like him back but I'm fine without him.

I am getting through this one day at a time. Saturday I met up with my old friend from school and had a great time catching up after all these years and yesterday I went to see my dad and pick up my brothers and spent a good few hours there with them. Today I went out with my mum and youngest brother and then spent the afternoon cleaning and tidying my room.

Thank you all for your help.

 

[Turtle2345]

By the time I am back from work tonight it will be 7 days since I last spoke to him. I am very happy with myself for getting this far. I feel like I want to text him again just to let him know that even after all of this I still love him and that I don't care if he still hates me I just wanted to let him know that I still love him. I don't know if that would be a bad idea or not though?

 

[Otage]

By the time I am back from work tonight it will be 7 days since I last spoke to him. I am very happy with myself for getting this far. I feel like I want to text him again just to let him know that even after all of this I still love him and that I don't care if he still hates me I just wanted to let him know that I still love him. I don't know if that would be a bad idea or not though?

Your relationship has sunken, don't hold on to it or hope that'll you get back together, or you will sink with it. Let go, cry. It's time to focus on yourself, things that are ok now and to the future.

Comfort yourself like you would comfort a friend in your situation. You can be your biggest enemy or the best supporter. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Learn from the mistakes. It didn't work for you two, but next time you get in to relationship, there will be lot more of you to love. Accept the fact that you were abandoned, but don't abandon yourself. And don't take all the fault on your own shoulders, you both agreed to the relationship.

 

[topdog]

... I feel like I want to text him again just to let him know that even after all of this I still love him and that I don't care if he still hates me I just wanted to let him know that I still love him. I don't know if that would be a bad idea or not though?

Bad idea to send it to him, but a really good idea to write it down for yourself. From here on out all the many feelings you have are important and should be doented, but not sent to him. He is no longer in "the circle of trust" as Robert De Niro would say in Meet the Parents.

 

[Turtle2345]

He has said he wants to try just being friends

 

[Otage]

He has said he wants to try just being friends

Sounds heartbreaking... It's horrible to have feelings for a friend you can't have. In purely my opinnion, I could be frienfs with ex, when the emotions have settled, and I can think of him just an old friend I've known once very well.

You can't advance if you cling on to him. You hope inside you would get back together. You don't really need him. You're torturing yourself. You should face your emotions calmly, in the they are only emotions. If you feel bad, it doesn't mean you are bad.

 

[Turtle2345]

This is what ive been thinking.

Being just friends allows me to work on giving him more space because he did say that the main reason he doesnt want a relationship is because i suffocate him.

He did also say that he still has feelings for me and doesnt want to lose me completely either so this allows us to still be a part of each others lives.

This may result in us getting back together. I did tell him that this will be difficult because i still have feelings for him so i might say the wrong thing or something and he said thats fine he understands and that this may end up with us getting back together any ways.

I also told him about everything ive been doing to try to make myself better like meditating/exercising in the mornings and meeting up again with my old friends and writing down positive things every night and he said thats really great to hear.

 

[Otage]

Now he doesnt want to leave you? Well, if you wanna cling on to that hope, I'm not stopping you. But all the ifs and buts, and the fact that your ex's emotions ofc vary, cause break-up is hard, and some days we remember the positive more etc. Either one of you should really make a decision, or try work things out properly. I mean I personally wouldn't stand all kind of crap.

I think you two are the only ones who have even the faintest idea what is your situation now, and with all the advice given here, well, keep your head and don't forget that you are an individual who doesn't have to agree to anything you don't really want.

 

[topdog]

Be careful! Or, as ancient maps inscribed over unknown territories: "Here be dragons".

Here is my experience: When I break up with someone who is still in love with me, I really want to be friends and it works fine for me - but the other person struggles and eventually there is some blow up about how inconsiderate I am and how one-sided the relationship has become.

Or, if someone I love breaks up with me, I desperately want to keep them as a close friend because I really enjoy being with them. And, secretly, I imagine that really all they need is time to come to their senses and realize that no one else can love them the way I can. I carry this hope until right around the time they have met someone new and are in the process of closing on their first house. Then I kick myself for my stupidity and moan about the wasted years.

That doesn't mean ex-lovers can't be friends. In the long term they can. And if they both want out of the relationship when they break up, I have seen exes go their separate ways as friends. But that is rare. Usually someone is dumped, and the other person is the dumpee. There are unequal emotions. Unequal relationships are doomed. It's like riding a bicycle with one round tire and one square tire. It's fine for the dumpee - he has nothing at stake emotionally. It's usually hell for the person that was dumped. Especially if he is starting with low self-esteem, he may be only to happy to dine on the crumbs his former lover may throw his way.

If you really want to be friends, you have to wait until you have built your life apart from him and no longer need him. You don't want to be the person that he can always call to do something for him while in the meantime he is off dating and screwing other guys. Don't be Kate Winslet (Amanda) in the movie The Holiday - tied to guy who takes her for granted and then gets engaged to someone else. Tell him you need some time away. If he has been through this before he will understand and give you your space to heal.

After a period of time - six months or a year of healing and new experiences - you can reconnect and maybe all the good things you shared together will be a great launching pad for a friendship.

So, beware! You are entering dangerous territory. Here be dragons!