Need some advice...

[lskyus]

I have just got back with a really close friend of mine, we drifted apart due to the passage of time, I needed to get some space between us as we got a little too close.

He wants to be a part of my life again, and I do welcome that, but hes so intense and calls and texts me all the time, its starting to get like it was before.

So i questioned him on it, we sat down and talked, I told him I still have feelings for him, he says he does not have those feelings. he says he is straight. He said that I can have an intense friendship with him or nothing.

However his body language is confusing me. When we are alone, hes gentle, funny and caring, yet when he is with other people, he treats me completely differently. He goes out of his way to be with me when we are alone, but in public he treats me with disrespect.

I feel like I have made a terrible mistake allowing him back into my life?

I forgot to mention that he asks me to share everything with him, but shares nothing in return with me, unless i drag it out of him...

 

[Otage]

A basic closet-case maybe? Want's to have the whole cake to himself, no matter how you feel. This is just my opinnion, but he seems like a "poisonous" person. Thinks only of his own wellbeing, and you are the one, who would always have to be the one to "backdown".

 

[bigsal]

An ambiguous behavior and selfish. I advise you to be cautious.

 

[ihno]

Well, this won't go anywhere in the end I guess. He's maybe one of those "straights", who suddenly and only turn gay, when they're drunk but pretend to be macho in public. Don't fall in love with him (too late for that?). Otherwise: give him something to drink and have sex with him (if you are not afraid of weeks of hysterical "i am not gay" Arias afterwards).

 

[lskyus]

Well, this won't go anywhere in the end I guess. He's maybe one of those "straights", who suddenly and only turn gay, when they're drunk but pretend to be macho in public. Don't fall in love with him (too late for that?). Otherwise: give him something to drink and have sex with him (if you are not afraid of weeks of hysterical "i am not gay" Arias afterwards).

well he doesnt seem to want to share that side with me, but wants me to share that side with him. So I have no idea how to judge it.

We were friends a long time and we got too close and I cooled my heels. But he seems to want all of the attention again but none of the risks that go with it. He knows how much I care about him, he says that is completely okay, but the best he can offer is an intense friendship.

When hes with me, hes caring, fun, and somehow drags everything out of me, how I am feeling, he talks to me like I am a person of utmost importance, but he wont share with me, I have to drag stuff out of him

Then there is the other side of him, when we are in public hes completely different, almost rude. We went out for dinner the other day with friends and even they noticed how short he was with me. He came out to apologise. Then he turns it all around again and we end up talking under a blanket till 5am...

This is why I am confused...

ps. added i read everyones comments, they all make sense

 

[Otage]

well he doesnt seem to want to share that side with me, but wants me to share that side with him. So I have no idea how to judge it.

We were friends a long time and we got too close and I cooled my heels. But he seems to want all of the attention again but none of the risks that go with it. He knows how much I care about him, he says that is completely okay, but the best he can offer is an intense friendship.

When hes with me, hes caring, fun, and somehow drags everything out of me, how I am feeling, he talks to me like I am a person of utmost importance, but he wont share with me, I have to drag stuff out of him

Then there is the other side of him, when we are in public hes completely different, almost rude. We went out for dinner the other day with friends and even they noticed how short he was with me. He came out to apologise. Then he turns it all around again and we end up talking under a blanket till 5am...

This is why I am confused...

Don't let yourself to be a pawn in his game! I hate the fact, that for a guy like that, you might get your heart broken! Cause I feel from your writing, that you like him, and that you are ready to go further than him, but I fear that you will never meet at the end of it all. I like helping too, but there's no helping someone, who doesn't even see that there's a problem existing. I've had situation like that myself and it caused me so much pain and time, and after all the effort - from my part of course - I did never get any response, only insults and stuff. And your case maybe be different, only you know, but be aware! People who are lost have no right to drag the rest of us down just because of their own insecurity.

 

[lskyus]

Don't let yourself to be a pawn in his game! I hate the fact, that for a guy like that, you might get your heart broken! Cause I feel from your writing, that you like him, and that you are ready to go further than him, but I fear that you will never meet at the end of it all. I like helping too, but there's no helping someone, who doesn't even see that there's a problem existing. I've had situation like that myself and it caused me so much pain and time, and after all the effort - from my part of course - I did never get any response, only insults and stuff. And your case maybe be different, only you know, but be aware! People who are lost have no right to drag the rest of us down just because of their own insecurity.

I am getting that impression indeed, Yes I care for him very much, he knows it too, I just need something from him that says he feels the same, but its like a blank slate, there is nothing, yet he wants everything from me, completely. He calls and texts me constantly, ask what Im doing, how Im feeling, whats going on in my head, but when I try to get him to open up he just wont. I feel like I dont know him at all.

Why I walked away last time..I couldnt handle it. he said, if I do not want his friendship he will walk away, but he will never come back...

 

[ihno]

well he doesnt seem to want to share that side with me, but wants me to share that side with him. So I have no idea how to judge it.

We were friends a long time and we got too close and I cooled my heels. But he seems to want all of the attention again but none of the risks that go with it. He knows how much I care about him, he says that is completely okay, but the best he can offer is an intense friendship.

When hes with me, hes caring, fun, and somehow drags everything out of me, how I am feeling, he talks to me like I am a person of utmost importance, but he wont share with me, I have to drag stuff out of him

Then there is the other side of him, when we are in public hes completely different, almost rude. We went out for dinner the other day with friends and even they noticed how short he was with me. He came out to apologise. Then he turns it all around again and we end up talking under a blanket till 5am...

This is why I am confused...

ps. added i read everyones comments, they all make sense

No need to be confused. He's a complete idiot. He will never be able to give you what you want. From what you describe he has feelings for you but denies them - he's the one who is confused. And when ohter people are around he treats you like shit because he's afraid other people might think he's gay.

 

[lskyus]

No need to be confused. He's a complete idiot. He will never be able to give you what you want. From what you describe he has feelings for you but denies them - he's the one who is confused. And when ohter people are around he treats you like shit because he's afraid other people might think he's gay.

God what a nightmare, hes incredibly cute and so tender with me, then he treats me like a kfc chicken about to get hung in public. I feel so torn...

I know its so heart breaking when he does that, then he goes all tender again and my heart melts...

 

[Otage]

No need to be confused. He's a complete idiot. He will never be able to give you what you want. From what you describe he has feelings for you but denies them - he's the one who is confused. And when ohter people are around he treats you like shit because he's afraid other people might think he's gay.

I totally agree. I've been in situation like that, and it didn't evolve in to anything else, but me getting my heart broken because I thought I could chance him. You have your own battle to win, and it's brolly useless to try to fight his battles for him too. Don't get your hopes up for him, cause I think you really are the one making the effort, but no matter how much you try, you wont be able to assure him. You must know your value, you'r not some test for his "straightness". I hope you'll survive the situation without too much pain:big hug:

 

[lskyus]

I totally agree. I've been in situation like that, and it didn't evolve in to anything else, but me getting my heart broken because I thought I could chance him. You have your own battle to win, and it's brolly useless to try to fight his battles for him too. Don't get your hopes up for him, cause I think you really are the one making the effort, but no matter how much you try, you wont be able to assure him. You must know your value, you'r not some test for his "straightness". I hope you'll survive the situation without too much pain:big hug:

well your right, and its going to be painful, I understand. I wish I hadnt let him back into my life now...

Such a shame... At least I know im not imagining it...

added: Ive never pushed myself on him, he always initiates it. Because he is so guarded I didnt want to hurt him.

 

[ihno]

God what a nightmare, hes incredibly cute and so tender with me, then he treats me like a kfc chicken about to get hung in public. I feel so torn...

I know its so heart breaking when he does that, then he goes all tender again and my heart melts...

Yes, you're fully in love with him. You repeat yourself over and over again, no way to deny it. He's going to break your heart if you don't "unlove" yourself in time (but that unloving comes normally after the breaking thing). If you still can, cut the contact.

 

[lskyus]

Yes, you're fully in love with him. You repeat yourself over and over again, no way to deny it. He's going to break your heart if you don't "unlove" yourself in time (but that unloving comes normally after the breaking thing). If you still can, cut the contact.

Im not denying it, (i say that with a light heart) I have loved him since i first met him, he knows it too.

but like you said, I have to let go.

Thanks, its going to hurt a lot, a very tearful few days so far... But I knew in my heart due to New Years Day and his treatment of me when we went out to eat. I knew at that point it was never going to happen. I just had to hear it out loud...

But why treat me that way if he knows how I feel? Why put me through that?

 

[Otage]

well your right, and its going to be painful, I understand. I wish I hadnt let him back into my life now...

Such a shame... At least I know im not imagining it...

added: Ive never pushed myself on him, he always initiates it. Because he is so guarded I didnt want to hurt him.

You can't save or help everyone, even though you would brolly want to. But at least you've done more than many would have done, you have tried to understand, help and solve the problem. You have given more than is expected from someone, and you should be proud about that. You are not the loser in this situation, but the winner. You have given your best shots, and done enough for him. Try to be happy about the fact, that you have done the right thing even though it has caused you distress. You're a good person!:heart:

 

[ihno]

Im not denying it, (i say that with a light heart) I have loved him since i first met him, he knows it too.

but like you said, I have to let go.

Thanks, its going to hurt a lot, a very tearful few days so far... But I knew in my heart due to New Years Day and his treatment of me when we went out to eat. I knew at that point it was never going to happen. I just had to hear it out loud...

But why treat me that way if he knows how I feel? Why put me through that?

I think from your description and life experience that he is very immature, not able to accept his own interest in men but also unable to let you go. That's why he treats you like this.

...he says that is completely okay, but the best he can offer is an intense friendship.

In the next trashcan with the guy! X_XX_XX_XX_XX_X OMG!

You're right: Somebody mature simply cannot stand somebody as a friend, who loves him unanswered. There is no way a friendship like that could work. Of course he wants your love but only at his account, when he wants it etc.

If you're not strong enough for cutting the contact it'll be your dignity in the trashcan.

 

[lskyus]

I think from your description and life experience that he is very immature, not able to accept his own interest in men but also unable to let you go. That's why he treats you like this.



In the next trashcan with the guy! X_XX_XX_XX_XX_X OMG!

You're right: Somebody mature simply cannot stand somebody as a friend, who loves him unanswered. There is no way a friendship like that could work. Of course he wants your love but only at his account, when he wants it etc.

If you're not strong enough for cutting the contact it'll be your dignity in the trashcan.

Your all right, when I did this before it took me 6 months to get over him, I cant believe I have to go through this again...

Your right about my dignity too... Sob...

 

[SimplyJakeAndAlex]

Dude take your leg and run and run as fast and as far you can from this poisonous treacherous individual... let me give you a example of what ocean of mixed emotions you're getting to. Those person often label themselves as great listener. But a great listener that never preach by example isn't a great listener, they wanted you to tell them everything while they are sharing nothing or very little about themselves. A relationship is about discovering eachother, not just one saying everything and the other just stand there being entertained.

If you are going to hang out with that person find any activities that doesn't involve talking about you, give as little as possible your state of mind or emotion. I was once in a similar relationship before my dude and trust me they suck the energy out of you. Here I was writing long emails, speaking on the phone telling everything to him and never got much about himself. He obviously has been repeating the same and annoying patterns over and over and trust me if he comes back to you that way it's because other have been fed up of his little game. So he's coming back to the source.

Being cute and hot isn't a good reason if he's not going to share anything with you, you're just going for an empty envelop.

 

[lskyus]

Dude take your leg and run and run as fast and as far you can from this poisonous treacherous individual... let me give you a example of what ocean of mixed emotions you're getting to. Those person often label themselves as great listener. But a great listener that never preach by example isn't a great listener, they wanted you to tell them everything while they are sharing nothing or very little about themselves. A relationship is about discovering eachother, not just one saying everything and the other just stand there being entertained.

If you are going to hang out with that person find any activities that doesn't involve talking about you, give as little as possible your state of mind or emotion. I was once in a similar relationship before my dude and trust me they suck the energy out of you. Here I was writing long emails, speaking on the phone telling everything to him and never got much about himself. He obviously has been repeating the same and annoying patterns over and over and trust me if he comes back to you that way it's because other have been fed up of his little game. So he's coming back to the source.

Being cute and hot isn't a good reason if he's not going to share anything with you, you're just going for an empty envelop.

I agree with you, I am trying to find a way out, I dont want to hurt him. (god!)

Its the public activities in which we do that he changes, he is so rude to me, so that wont
work anyway.

he calls me at 2am in the morning for a long chat, he also doesnt seem to approve of my other friends sometimes, especially if i talk about another guy. (as in making new friends).

I told him, about how I met someone chatting through ebay (dont laugh), and he just assumed I was going to sleep with him and that i had no conscience and he dissaproved? (please note I am not that kind of person, I literally just met the guy and got all these dissaproving looks!)

He wont share with me, I try and try, but he just wont...

Again your right. I let him back in because i thought he might have changed after a couple of years, so far its just been a painful new years and christmas so far and I am the one crying my eyes out..sob...

 

[ihno]

Your all right, when I did this before it took me 6 months to get over him, I cant believe I have to go through this again...

Your right about my dignity too... Sob...

Sometimes we have to go through things twice before we learn our lessons. Or three or four or fourtyfive times... Just don't loose your humor.

 

[lskyus]

Sometimes we have to go through things twice before we learn our lessons. Or three or four or fourtyfive times... Just don't loose your humor.

indeed...(sob...)