I'm rather older than the average here, but... actually I never fully came out. For that matter, it seems I am maybe going back in.
I suppose I would have figured out that i was gay in high school, but back then I think it was a lot more taboo - gays weren't just attracted to other guys - those were just perverts. Gay was a lifestyle, and one I really did not fit into. Or had any interest in. This of course was before one looked up gay porn and videos on the Internet. I don't think I even really had any clue about sexuality at all before high school. For good or bad it seems kids these days are much more in tune with sexuality at an earlier age.
Then of course I got a girlfriend, And of course the requisite crush on her best friend. I was always very overweight, and had so many body issues that I never felt comfortable getting naked with ANYONE, boy or girl. The funny thing - that other girl - we ended up becoming girlfriend/boyfriend. We almost got around to doing it, too... but then life intervened.
She had gone back to school, and kept telling me about all these people who were making her life miserable. We convinced her to come home, but then they started tracing her car. And recording her. And then they figure out how to read her mind and talk to her through the radio. Yeah. I think most people would have given up right then and there. But I didn't. It was a long 5 or 6 years, probably more. We were friends, we were confidants. We changed. You had to be really careful of what you said. She was always afraid something she said was going to be taken the wrong way. Our interest simply changed.
Eventually I took a job that had 4 plus hours of commuting a day. She had other - stranger - friends she hung around with. We never formally broke up - it was discussion much later when she was deciding to move in with another guy. She wanted to be sure I didn't think there was still something between us and want her not to. Funny thing is I saw it as freedom.
I decided at that point to try coming out. I was working at an architecture firm at the time, in the city. Unlike most people, I started coming out at work first. I didn't receive ANY negativity about it. I told some of my friends. Same there. Which kind of was unexpected as many were heavily into the church. But i became more uncomfortable. It seemed that now that I was out, i had to fit this mold. I was always "special". Everyone was too worried about saying the right thing or not offending me. It only made me more self conscious.
Went through some rough patches of life, and sexuality and relationships weren't on the top of my list anymore. My friends got older, married and had kids, Or all religious, we all drifted apart. Once I found my feet again I had a new hobby - travel. Every other weekend I was someplace different. Andi felt at home. If there was a reason I would tell someone i was gay. But it was nothing I needed to. Everyone was new, no preconceived notions, and bluntly not a lot of consequences, either. My social life became online - as that was where we communicated. Maybe you saw each other passing through an airport.
Yeah, I got more, um risque in my adventures. Try new things - gay strip clubs, bathhouses, the like. I have sensitivity issues so never dealt well with clubs. And since I hate the taste of alcohol, I rarely drank. But life was going pretty well.
Then life reared its ugly head again. My mother was diagnosed with Breast cancer at the age of 60. I finally had taken her and my Dad down to Disney. It was there she discovered the bruise on her breast that was diagnosed as soon as she got home. Two very rough years - it got into her spine and she was paraplegic for much of it. Spent a fortune taking care of her (money very well spent, I will add) and the house. My father retired to help take care of her. on another board there is a discussion about seeing your parents naked. Wait until the time comes when you have to change their diapers because they can't do it themselves. Sexuality takes a far, far back seat. Even gets left at home.
Life is recovering now - it has been a few years since she has gone. Still here with my Dad, as he gets older he becomes more like a 12 year old. Funny I never wanted a house and kids. Now I have a house to take care of and essentially a 12 year old.
Right now the last thing I want is a relationship. My social life is pretty limited right now - and yet I still find it too much to deal with. Yes, that girl I talked about earlier- still friends. See each other once a week almost. It's like we were married and separated but never divorced. Sex to me is just that - something to turn me on when I need it. Sometimes I just don't have time for it at all. Other times, like now, I get all voyeuristic and vicarious.
I kind of envy younger people today. It is easier for them these days, yes. But I think I more envy how things are more meaningful for them. It's part of their identity. They, and us, judge them on how true they stay to their identity. My generation judges itself on if you actually survived to adulthood without becoming a druggy, drunk, or religious fanatic, and how many kids you have that all came from the same partner. That you know of, anyways.
I still dream of escaping one day. Being able to travel again, to be a vagaboind, whoever I choose for that trip. At the same time I am now the adult - the oldest one in the family, the one who is supposed to be responsible. I have not yet been able to let that go.
Maybe one day.
