Would you date someone who is HIV+?

[JonnyFantastico]

I threw this question out on a Facebook group I'm an admin of and it got a lot of interesting responses. Some were heated, although respectful and I figured it was a good question to throw out here as well:

If you met someone you were attracted to and found out they were HIV+, would you date them anyway or would you end the connection?

- Jonathan

 

[topdog]

Absolutely, positively, enthusiastically YES. Risk of HIV transmission is easily minimized, and as the old song says : "A good man is hard to find. "

 

[hawtsean]

Absolutely, positively, enthusiastically YES. Risk of HIV transmission is easily minimized, and as the old song says : "A good man is hard to find. "

Equally so, a hard man is good to find.

 

[hawtsean]

I threw this question out on a Facebook group I'm an admin of and it got a lot of interesting responses. Some were heated, although respectful and I figured it was a good question to throw out here as well:

If you met someone you were attracted to and found out they were HIV+, would you date them anyway or would you end the connection?

- Jonathan

It's never come up for me personally, but I have thought about it. So long as our playtime together were governed by the proper health and hygiene standards (always adhered to) that prevent the migration of any infection, I would be able to play with a poz dude. Bearing in mind that my kink doesn't usually involved penetrative sex, I'd be in a safer position that other guys.

That being said, I always observe those cleanliness and safety standards, so it's entirely possible that someone with whom I have done a scene has been poz, whether or not they knew it at the time. I have myself tested, for peace of mind, twice yearly. Always a clean bill of health.

 

[Behrluvr]

I did once briefly. I met a bartender once in a neighborhood bar on Manhatten's West Side. It was my first time in this particular bar and some regular patrons were welcoming. Especially the bartender. We really hit it off. He'd come over to my place or we'd go to the beach or do something together. He told me immediately he was positive.

What was funny is the doctors were kind of studying him as he was not showing any disease progression and he was not under treatment, just observation. He was one of those people who are naturally immune to HIV and the researchers were trying to figure out how that is possible.

Anyhow , I didn't live in Manhatten, I just visited there so our relationship never really got off the ground. We kind of petered out and I never hear from him anymore.

 

[gb2000ie]

Assuming the person was open and honest about their status it wouldn't be an issue for me. I would of course insist on taking the proper precautions, and if this person were to refuse to do that then I'd have to end it.

Also, if I were to be dating a guy and he were to only tell me AFTER we'd had sex, then I'd end it on the spot for dishonesty and not caring about my well being. For me, honesty and consideration are at the very heart of a good relationship, so if you prove yourself to be dishonest and un-caring, then fuck it, the relationship is not gonna work.

B.

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

Why wouldn't I "date" him? Let's be realistic, going to dinner with someone and going to the movies together isn't going to give you HIV.

Let's be blunt about it - what you mean is would I have sex with that person. And my answer is - why not, provided you take appropriate precautions against HIV transmission?

What bothers me about this question is the implication that if someone DOESN'T say they are HIV+ they must be negative - and also the suggestion that it's the other person's responsibility to protect YOU by telling you, someone he may have just met, about his health status when it's not even certain whether you will end up in the cot or not. I'm not saying that JohnnyF thinks that way, but I fear a lot of people do.

In some countries it's the law that you are responsible for your own protection, and I think that's the right attitude. You shouldn't be able to let someone fuck you without a condom, and then go round yelling "He infected me with HIV". Bullshit. You let the infection in. the only time the other should be held responsible is if it was a case of rape.

Sorry to rant about this, but I have been to a number of gay health awareness seminars, and I get the same message time and time again - most of the infections happen because guys who believe themselves to be negative take the attitude that the responsibility for protecting their own health all lies with the other person, and that in turn means that many positive guys don't discloses their status, because they fear rejection, or, worse, that the person they tell will then go and broadcast the information around town and on the Internet for everyone to see.

 

[hawtsean]

Why wouldn't I "date" him? Let's be realistic, going to dinner with someone and going to the movies together isn't going to give you HIV.

Let's be blunt about it - what you mean is would I have sex with that person. And my answer is - why not, provided you take appropriate precautions against HIV transmission?

The way I see it is that if dinner and a movie begins to grow to anything more, than a poz guy should feel obliged to inform his date of his status - likewise a neg guy should gently mention that he is neg, thus paving the way for an appropriate statement from the other dude. The onus is on both parties to ensure their safety and the prevention of disease transmission.

That way there are no recriminations after the fact, and if it's only a social date without intimacy, no one need know or concern themselves over + or -

 

[JonnyFantastico]

Why wouldn't I "date" him? Let's be realistic, going to dinner with someone and going to the movies together isn't going to give you HIV.

Let's be blunt about it - what you mean is would I have sex with that person. And my answer is - why not, provided you take appropriate precautions against HIV transmission?

What bothers me about this question is the implication that if someone DOESN'T say they are HIV+ they must be negative - and also the suggestion that it's the other person's responsibility to protect YOU by telling you, someone he may have just met, about his health status when it's not even certain whether you will end up in the cot or not. I'm not saying that JohnnyF thinks that way, but I fear a lot of people do.

In some countries it's the law that you are responsible for your own protection, and I think that's the right attitude. You shouldn't be able to let someone fuck you without a condom, and then go round yelling "He infected me with HIV". Bullshit. You let the infection in. the only time the other should be held responsible is if it was a case of rape.

Sorry to rant about this, but I have been to a number of gay health awareness seminars, and I get the same message time and time again - most of the infections happen because guys who believe themselves to be negative take the attitude that the responsibility for protecting their own health all lies with the other person, and that in turn means that many positive guys don't discloses their status, because they fear rejection, or, worse, that the person they tell will then go and broadcast the information around town and on the Internet for everyone to see.

Maybe I jumped the gun with the wording. JeansGuy has a point; just because we date someone doesn't necessarily mean that it will end up with two people sleeping together; it doesn't always work that way. And you're right; I don't think that way. Casual interactions don't transmit HIV; it's sad that a lot of people do think that.

I have a close friend who is positive and I love dearly. I actually plan on living with him (it's platonic, before you get all nosy ) and there's nothing fearful from me about that. I plan on loads of laughs, meals, hugs and other interactions with him because he is my friend and I love him dearly. :heart: I am not afraid because it is not in my heart to have that fear. I have had family members and friends who have fought this disease and nothing has ever stopped me from being myself around them... but alas, this is about a different kind of relationship, so I digress.

I suppose the easiest way to get to the point is to express the truth: I have dated someone who was positive. And by "dated", yes; I do mean there was sex involved. And guess what? I'm negative. Even way after the fact that we dated, I'm still negative. He was honest with me, we played safely and the reason we ended had nothing to do with the fact that he was positive... he was a jerk, but again, not part of this dialogue. :rofl:

While I do agree with the last paragraph somewhat, I think; just like most things in life, it takes two to tango. We sadly live in a world where some people don't understand the implications that sexual interactions can bring. To an extent, there is a bit of a naiveté about it which is why I'm actually glad there are health awareness seminars and things of the like, but I think we do need a stronger word out there about things like that ... damn, how easy it is to get slightly off-topic with this. LOL

But someone should be careful about these things; if one is not, the other at the very least, should be. Anyway... my point is: no, I wouldn't have any sort of problems dating someone who was positive. Love and understanding are two of the strongest things on this Earth and loneliness is probably even stronger than that. I could never reject someone from my life because of that. If there was an attraction there, we'd get through it and I'd make sure I'd keep myself safe. That's all there is to it, really. My heart is a beautiful thing and I have no problems sharing that as long as the other person is willing to share their heart as well.

 

[gb2000ie]

Why wouldn't I "date" him? Let's be realistic, going to dinner with someone and going to the movies together isn't going to give you HIV.

Let's be blunt about it - what you mean is would I have sex with that person. And my answer is - why not, provided you take appropriate precautions against HIV transmission?

What bothers me about this question is the implication that if someone DOESN'T say they are HIV+ they must be negative - and also the suggestion that it's the other person's responsibility to protect YOU by telling you, someone he may have just met, about his health status when it's not even certain whether you will end up in the cot or not. I'm not saying that JohnnyF thinks that way, but I fear a lot of people do.

In some countries it's the law that you are responsible for your own protection, and I think that's the right attitude. You shouldn't be able to let someone fuck you without a condom, and then go round yelling "He infected me with HIV". Bullshit. You let the infection in. the only time the other should be held responsible is if it was a case of rape.

Sorry to rant about this, but I have been to a number of gay health awareness seminars, and I get the same message time and time again - most of the infections happen because guys who believe themselves to be negative take the attitude that the responsibility for protecting their own health all lies with the other person, and that in turn means that many positive guys don't discloses their status, because they fear rejection, or, worse, that the person they tell will then go and broadcast the information around town and on the Internet for everyone to see.

If I have the flu, I have a responsibility not to go sneezing on people, and to protect them from my illness as much as I can. I don't see why HIV should be different.

If someone knows they have an STD and they agree to having unprotected sex without informing their partner then they are behaving in a deeply immoral way, and IMO should be criminally liable.

I don't think anyone has a right to know about your health status UNTIL you get to the sex part, then, if you have an STD, you have to be honest. If I went on a date with someone and took them out to dinner and a movie, I wouldn't expect them to volunteer information on their health to me, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect that they should. But the moment things turn to sex, that changes.

B.

 

[etilit]

yes

 

[topdog]

If I have the flu, I have a responsibility not to go sneezing on people, and to protect them from my illness as much as I can. I don't see why HIV should be different.

If someone knows they have an STD and they agree to having unprotected sex without informing their partner then they are behaving in a deeply immoral way, and IMO should be criminally liable...
B.

All of that is completely reasonable. But I think that JeansGuyOz's point was that there is an additional side of the story. Yes, it is the poz guy's responsibility to divulge his status and take steps to protect his partner. At the same time the neg guy has to take responsibility for his own health and assume that everyone is positive unless there is some hard evidence* to the contrary. He needs to take the appropriate precautions. You can't leave your health at the mercy of someone else deciding to do the right thing.

* hard evidence like several recent test results.

 

[name_1]

interesting topic... it certainly showed most are not at all adverse to people having HIV but rather towards people not acting responsibly when they have HIV.. of course each individual has to protect himself too!
i think if he is right for you, why not:/

 

[roamer]

To meet - yes. To sleep - no.

 

[jeansGuyOZ]

If I have the flu, I have a responsibility not to go sneezing on people, and to protect them from my illness as much as I can. I don't see why HIV should be different.

B.

Well, the big difference is that if someone is inconsiderate enough to sneeze all over you, you probably have no prior warning, and there is precious little you can do about it. Penetrative sex, on the other hand, is not going to happen unless you permit it.

While I agree it is irresponsible for an HIV+ person to knowingly have unprotected sex with someone, I also think it's irresponsible on the part of the other to allow it, that's all I am saying. And given that the reality is that people sometimes do not disclose, for one reason or another, I think a better behaviour model for casual encounters would be to use condoms as a matter of course.

 

[gb2000ie]

While I agree it is irresponsible for an HIV+ person to knowingly have unprotected sex with someone, I also think it's irresponsible on the part of the other to allow it, that's all I am saying.

That's fair enough, can't argue with that!

B.

 

[KCinLA]

Yes

I did, starting in 1986.

Matt passed in 1996.

Somehow I never caught it.

But I did get a broken heart when he left.



Kevin

 

[Fredric13]

Wow

A few years ago a guy with HIV fell for me. He was gorgeous, talented and made me feel like a king. I have to say that I was flattered that he wanted to be with me. At the time I was very self-conscious and newly out.

The more we got to know each other, the more I realised we would never work together. I never even thought of the HIV question, but I often wonder if he thought that it did.

He gave me the book, The Man Who Fell In Love With The Moon. In the short time we were together he taught me a lot.

As a child of the 80's we were conditioned to see HIV -/+, I only want to see the person. Thank You Brian.

 

[bernardo]

The last post was very touching.
And it shows that hiv-status isn't everything in a relationship.

 

[lhardwick69]

i wouldnt let that keep me from dating him or even having sex with him--hopefully he tells me about his poz status before going that far--he isnt dead he needs love just as much as the next guy just like that pornstar that everyone is freaking out over--everyone knows he is gay he is poz in the industry--and no one needs to tell him or the guys he is with that he shouldnt be doing porn still--its up to each individual not some assholes that deem it wrong